Monthly Archives: January 2014

Believing in your future » Daily Prompt: Teach Your (Bloggers) Well

Hello everyone!

I thought I’d take on another daily prompt just for fun.

One thing I want to share is how to find what it is you want to accomplish and then actually make it happen.

Years aggo I set out on a musical adventure that has put me on the right track for succes several times and yet everytime there have always been things that knocked me right off again when things were about to take off. I hate it when that happends. It’s discouraging to say the least.

I remember in my early days, I just got back from a weekend at a studio, there was going to be a band reunion that I was part of and we’d start of by recording a demo straight away. Things didn’t work out like they hoped for and so we split up again. I remember during that whole weekend I’d be sitting in the back noodling around with a tritone based riff. After all was said and done I was back home (still with my parents back then) and I was jamming around a bit. And I looked out the window, thinking. I realised I wanted something diffirent. I realised we could do this amateuristic style rushed recording over and over again and it would get us nowhere. I wanted to start a band or a musical collective that finally would have some dedication to bring good music. Back then for me that was a mixture of trash, death and “nu-metal”. I remember that moment verry vividly. I think it was only moments after, that I turned on a metronome, put a mic in front of my amp and recorded an improv of riffs in one single take that would become the first song of my new band. It sounded great like nothing I’ve written before at that point. I showed that recording to a friend a few days later and he was excited about it too.

I have tried to give that vision life for many years, in many diffirent attempts, and they all failed so far. If it wasn’t me putting the bar too high for others, then it would be other musicians not getting allong among eachother or practical situations getting in the way. Sometimes I’d give them too much freedom, other times I was far too strict…it’s not easy beeing a leader. Especially when you’re a kind person by nature. 

But in either one of these situations, looking back now, it was always the same thing. A lack of faith in myself.I don’t know where I got that, but it’s important to deal with. It’s like bodybuilding, you gotta train how much you believe you’re capable of. And it takes time and energy, but the results are there when you put time into it.

So that’s important, believe in yourself, think positive. Next to that, don’t let others do that for you. Because everyone will just love to put their dreams in your capabilities. But if you are destined to bring something into existence in a specific way, make sure it’s your unaltered dream. Not theirs, their dream may be a good one, and you can help out, but your dream takes priority.

You’ll know when that staring out of the window moment is there. It’ll follow you around and your heart will speak loudly to you “LISTEN!”.

A final thought, give yourself plenty of credit, you’re a wonderfull creation with magnificent capabilities. But at the same time try to put that into balance with beeing modest. That’s just common manners, be confident, but don’t be cocky.




Changing churches like underpants.

Hello everybody, it’s been a good while because of lots of stuff going on at work, also got a little sick for a while (while still working, yay). And life just has a way of keeping you busy right? Beeing single I don’t have a lot on my plate yet, but good golly, once you have a goal all of a sudden they’ll throw everything on your path to keep you from it. Anyway…

I was writing a bloggpost about music and church, I’m absolutly passionate about music, it’s a big part of who I am…wel lets just say I’m a musician. Put church into that mix and you have some really heated debates going on. And as I’m writing it I can’t quite nail it yet, it’s such a big topic. So I’ve been putting that one aside for a while.

The come and take a swim series had a really depressing one last time so I’m leaving that to rest a bit as wel (it took something out of me to write that honestly). The story is going to get exciting and pretty crazy from here on so hang in there if you’re reading that one.

Today I wanted to talk about something that I’m right in the middle of. When I popped my head into the local church scene I realised one thing after a short while, go shopping around until you find a place that feels right. And my goodness I’ve got some stories about that part of the venture (=> insert shameless plug for the come and take a swim posts coming up). The things you run into “church shopping” so to speak.

After a while I found a small group of people in someone’s living room, that felt just right. It had the hipster ex rock star pastor, plenty of interaction and room for debate. Some spirituality but not too much. And overal just a nice group of fellow believers to hang with. Fast forward a couple of years later, the pastor and his wife had a kid, our group got a bit bigger…jup we moved. And moved again, and finally again. Yeah it’s not a group of people anymore, it’s a full blown church now. With the whole sunday morning program and all kinds of activities on the side and whatnot. Which is great for them, I’m glad things are moving forward. For me personally however…I have to be honest with myself and others…it’s kind of becoming the kind of church I decided not to be part of when I got here. That and some other situations (you know how little things toghether make a big whole) have led me to stop going for a while. That little while became almost a year now.

And it’s becoming pretty clear to me, my parents, my friends, their parents,…it’s time for me to move on. As gratefull as I am for all the amazing times I’ve had there I feel the Lord is directing me elsewhere. I could stay around but it wouldn’t benefit me, or others.

What I want to share with this post, wether you’re a believer, agnostic, athiest,…or anything else for that matter. Is a little insight into the christian church culture and what goes through your mind when you end up in a situation like this.

In short, it feels liberating, dangerous, scary and depressing. It’s great to be free to be yourself again, because lets be honest some people feel right at home in the church culture…others don’t, and probably never wil. Now that doesn’t mean they’re not saved btw.

I’m one of those people, I like church and the church usually likes me a lot. But every once in a while I just gotta get out of there. To find myself again. Let me take you to something the Lord once whispered to me. I was praying (shortly as always) in the morning and I said, Jesus, lets have breakfast toghether. And I went out to buy some croisants. Now I’ll have you know Belgian croisants are usually more Belgian then croisant. If you want the real deal go more down south. So I get back, put the croisants on a plate and notice, they are slightly burnt. Not to the point where you’re wanna throw them out but just enough to take some edges off. It comes of like little shells (if you’ve had croisants you’ll know what I’m talking about). And as I’m doing this, I feel the holy spirit telling me “that’s how I want to undo you of your sin and wounds….but don’t take off too much…I need people to see who you are and where you come from”.

This was a couple of years aggo and I remember it every now and then. And it’s verry valuable because sometimes beeing part of a church leads you to do things that just aren’t you. They make sence for a lot of people, but if you’re like me then…you’ll know what I’m talking about. Somethings feel kind of forced. I’m not saying this to discount anyone’s expierience in church, that’s just me, somethings I just don’t feel with the best will of the world.

And so yes, it’s liberating to move on. But it also feels scary and dangerous. Because it’s a venture into the unknown again. It’s times like these where you actually have to put your faith to the test and see if you really trust the Lord as much as you claim you do. (after all we’re Christians right? Why wouldn’t we trust Jesus…and then you face something minor even like this…) With that in mind, be patient when you run across someone who’s looking for a new church or trying to find him or herself…you can have the best most honest intentions inviting someone to your church, but it’s not always the best for them. This is one of those things that really really takes God to put into the right place.

And I can’t quite put my finger on it, but theres this feeling of regret also. I would love for things to be diffirent again, but it just isn’t and it’s probably never going to happen. Standing on the starting line of a journey into the unknown is never as exciting to you as it is to the people in the future looking backwards.

I’ll think I’ll end with that…

PS. It’s funny as I’m writing this Journey’s Don’t stop believing starts playing in the background “Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin’ anywhere”…that’s right, whereever I go, I won’t stop believing by His grace 🙂

Come and take a swim part 4

Hi there!


Yeah again it’s been a while, the hollidays are behind me, I see everyone making new years resolutions in preparation of not keeping them and I’m just trying to catch up rest from all the holliday crazyness (having a job in retail will do that to you). I wish all of you the best for this new year and thank you for just reading my blog! It does me wel to see my story is beeing shared.

So back to the story at hand, last time we took a look at how I got introduced to the guitar by a friend. It was all fun and games until…
she walked into my life.

She was a girl going to our school and for some reason I don’t remember I felt like I wanted to get to know her. It wasn’t really her looks, it wasn’t really her style or vibe I guess you could call it that. I don’t know. But at some point I ended up talking to her and from what I recall we ended up holding hands pretty quick (beeing more expierienced now, I’d say way too fast).

It looked like I had a girlfriend. We still didn’t know eachother all that wel and ofcourse you introduce her to your friends and all is fun and exciting. The first couple of weeks were kind of confusing though. We’d be constantly in and out of a relationship, yeah teenagers what can I say…This was before facebook was big so we didn’t have everybody all over us about it. And it wasn’t verry clear to me why that was. But I was determined to be a good boyfriend and wel I had feelings for her. I wasn’t going to let her slip away just like that. So eventually after some puzzling we sort of got stable. We’d hang out with my friends and all seemed ok. This was all just holding hands and little kisses so far.

Then at some point we started getting a little more intimate. Exploring sexuality together. It all seemed verry innocent and beautifull until at some point she told me that she had been abused. I didn’t quite know what to do with it. My only natural response was to love her and hope it would heal her. But it didn’t. I had no idea what I was dealing with.

Every now and then she’d confess things to me like a friend of her tried to kiss her the other day, or that she had been groped by some guy. I didn’t make much of it, I would forgive her even if it wasn’t her fault. Always assuming that having a relationship instantly means you move forward together. I wasn’t perfect either like most teenagers I said really dumb things to her not thinking with my head…

The band was doing okay though it was getting to my head a little at times, we played our first gig at some school bbq and I was dissapointed. I expected much more from our hard work but the reality that we didn’t have a full band or the propper expierience and skill bit me up my hinders.

So we started actively looking for fellow musicians. We quickly found some friends who didn’t play any instruments but were interested, a bassplayer and a drummer…the dream of every guitarist based band. We’d take the bus all across the country to buy a second hand electric drumkit. Remember those early hexagon shaped drumpads from yamaha? We played that thing once or twice as a band…things got more complicated. Me and that girl we’re having a shaky relationship again. She’d avoid me at times, she’d confess even more and much worse misadventures, things we’re going wrong fast. I kept on having a positive mindset about it trying to fix things but it was lost. Until at some point something broke in me and I completely blocked her out of my life. I avoided her emails, phonecalls even if she wanted to hand me a letter I walked past her.

This did a number on my friendship with the guys as wel. Our band slowed down a lot. It was painfull and I was furious at her, but I decided instead of making her life souer, I’d just avoid it all.

Things got even worse. A while later she was dating my best friend. I tried to deal with it as a grown up, but you can turn it any way you want, these things just suck. One more party together, new years eve. I was acting like a jerk, hogging all the attention with my back then still underdevelopped guitar skills. 12pm striked and during the fireworks she said she wanted to kiss me again…I was so angry inside. I left after that party and it was pretty much for good. I tried to rally the drummer and bassplayer behind me without much succes, I don’t blame them, a situation you best stay far away from if you’re not involved. I felt betrayed by everyone.

And it didn’t even end there. I’d hear stories left and right of her sleeping with this guy, dating that guy, and so on. This utopia of friends I built that was going to be a little music empire completely destroyed by her. We all grew bitter towards one another. Those were really dark days for me. I found new friends, tried having a girlfriend at that school a couple of times more but it didn’t work.


Sadly I can’t end this instalment on a really positive note. I’d have to dig into a new chapter and that’s for another time. The only uplifting thing I will leave you with is this. It took me many many years to forgive her, but finally I’m coming to terms with it.
I contacted my friends a few years aggo and we’re okay. They even came to watch me graduate and that means a lot to me. I’m happy to say that my closest friend from back then is doing good, he’s got a dynamite girl and I wish them well.

As for her, I don’t know, last thing I heard she was with a less then optimal boyfriend. I hope she’s safe and that she can find God’s voice in her life. I may not like her, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to wish bad things on her. I used to…I was plain evil with my imagination…but not anymore,

thank God.