Yeah again it’s been a while, the hollidays are behind me, I see everyone making new years resolutions in preparation of not keeping them and I’m just trying to catch up rest from all the holliday crazyness (having a job in retail will do that to you). I wish all of you the best for this new year and thank you for just reading my blog! It does me wel to see my story is beeing shared.
So back to the story at hand, last time we took a look at how I got introduced to the guitar by a friend. It was all fun and games until…
she walked into my life.
She was a girl going to our school and for some reason I don’t remember I felt like I wanted to get to know her. It wasn’t really her looks, it wasn’t really her style or vibe I guess you could call it that. I don’t know. But at some point I ended up talking to her and from what I recall we ended up holding hands pretty quick (beeing more expierienced now, I’d say way too fast).
It looked like I had a girlfriend. We still didn’t know eachother all that wel and ofcourse you introduce her to your friends and all is fun and exciting. The first couple of weeks were kind of confusing though. We’d be constantly in and out of a relationship, yeah teenagers what can I say…This was before facebook was big so we didn’t have everybody all over us about it. And it wasn’t verry clear to me why that was. But I was determined to be a good boyfriend and wel I had feelings for her. I wasn’t going to let her slip away just like that. So eventually after some puzzling we sort of got stable. We’d hang out with my friends and all seemed ok. This was all just holding hands and little kisses so far.
Then at some point we started getting a little more intimate. Exploring sexuality together. It all seemed verry innocent and beautifull until at some point she told me that she had been abused. I didn’t quite know what to do with it. My only natural response was to love her and hope it would heal her. But it didn’t. I had no idea what I was dealing with.
Every now and then she’d confess things to me like a friend of her tried to kiss her the other day, or that she had been groped by some guy. I didn’t make much of it, I would forgive her even if it wasn’t her fault. Always assuming that having a relationship instantly means you move forward together. I wasn’t perfect either like most teenagers I said really dumb things to her not thinking with my head…
The band was doing okay though it was getting to my head a little at times, we played our first gig at some school bbq and I was dissapointed. I expected much more from our hard work but the reality that we didn’t have a full band or the propper expierience and skill bit me up my hinders.
So we started actively looking for fellow musicians. We quickly found some friends who didn’t play any instruments but were interested, a bassplayer and a drummer…the dream of every guitarist based band. We’d take the bus all across the country to buy a second hand electric drumkit. Remember those early hexagon shaped drumpads from yamaha? We played that thing once or twice as a band…things got more complicated. Me and that girl we’re having a shaky relationship again. She’d avoid me at times, she’d confess even more and much worse misadventures, things we’re going wrong fast. I kept on having a positive mindset about it trying to fix things but it was lost. Until at some point something broke in me and I completely blocked her out of my life. I avoided her emails, phonecalls even if she wanted to hand me a letter I walked past her.
This did a number on my friendship with the guys as wel. Our band slowed down a lot. It was painfull and I was furious at her, but I decided instead of making her life souer, I’d just avoid it all.
Things got even worse. A while later she was dating my best friend. I tried to deal with it as a grown up, but you can turn it any way you want, these things just suck. One more party together, new years eve. I was acting like a jerk, hogging all the attention with my back then still underdevelopped guitar skills. 12pm striked and during the fireworks she said she wanted to kiss me again…I was so angry inside. I left after that party and it was pretty much for good. I tried to rally the drummer and bassplayer behind me without much succes, I don’t blame them, a situation you best stay far away from if you’re not involved. I felt betrayed by everyone.
And it didn’t even end there. I’d hear stories left and right of her sleeping with this guy, dating that guy, and so on. This utopia of friends I built that was going to be a little music empire completely destroyed by her. We all grew bitter towards one another. Those were really dark days for me. I found new friends, tried having a girlfriend at that school a couple of times more but it didn’t work.
Sadly I can’t end this instalment on a really positive note. I’d have to dig into a new chapter and that’s for another time. The only uplifting thing I will leave you with is this. It took me many many years to forgive her, but finally I’m coming to terms with it.
I contacted my friends a few years aggo and we’re okay. They even came to watch me graduate and that means a lot to me. I’m happy to say that my closest friend from back then is doing good, he’s got a dynamite girl and I wish them well.
As for her, I don’t know, last thing I heard she was with a less then optimal boyfriend. I hope she’s safe and that she can find God’s voice in her life. I may not like her, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to wish bad things on her. I used to…I was plain evil with my imagination…but not anymore,