Monthly Archives: April 2014

Fix the pieces


Here we are again, with broken pieces of our heart, holding up the bleeding remnants of a heart to the sky.

Trying to confront God with what has hapened, as if he didn’t know or cared.

But he does, he sees it all, the tears running down your face, the blood getting absorbed by your clothes.

He knows how you feel…


My blog seems to be one either about confronting western christian culture with it’s shortcomings…as if I’m any better. Or other times touching on those really personal things that affect all of us at some point.

Yes here we are again, with a broken heart, taking the emotions to God as best as I can. Trying to surrender, trying to understand, trying to fight…but it’s futile, those pesky feelings catch up at some point and I have to get through them. And theres no one I’d rather have me walk through them but God himself, if He’s all able He might as wel show up in times like these. Friends and family will stand by you as best as they can, and it does miracles,…but it only goes that far.

I’ve been in this place plenty of times by now and it only makes me desperate for more of God. I hurt for myself,…but on top of that, I hurt for all those children of God who are as broken and misguided as I was and still am. We flee in our sins and in the process of running away from God we hurt others around us…while we are suposed to be as one as much as Jeshua and the father are one. It’s a sad state of affairs…but love overcomes all. His love.

I remember a year or two aggo. I met a girl in church, she was visiting from a far away land. We made contact and got to know eachother a little better online. I remember saying to God “if this is the one, this beautifull girl, I’ll be the happiest guy ever”…I didn’t hear from her for a week or so…and as it turned out she met another guy only minutes after we talked. (she just had to mention that little detail only to drive the stake a little deeper…thanks a lot)

I did what I always do when I’m suffering a bad case of heartbrokeness…I go jogging. And ofcourse I had a bitter thing or two to say to God during my jogg…when all of a sudden He wispered back to me…

“This feeling you’re having right now, this feeling you’ve had so many times before each time a girl walks away from you.

That is how I feel each time one of my children walks away from me”

And I felt this strong urge to stand with God, to defend him, to swear allegiance, jup we become brave all of a sudden…eventhough I also am one of those children who just can’t seem to get it right…I only have God’s grace to count on and I know how desperatly I need it.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from the many heartbrakes all the way to this one is that forgiveness is never to be withheld. Even if I am a victim and fully in the right. For situations like these, I call God a harsh master…I really do. But it’s the only master who will have me. It’s the only master who will welcome me back, time and time again as I struggle through life.

So with this post, I pay tribute to a God who endured immense physical and emotional pain…and is gracious enough to help me through my mere bruises.

Here’s to you, Father God.



Come and take a swim part 7

It’s been a while again huh, lets get right at it!

(before you read this episode make ABSOLUTLY sure you’ve read episode 6 first)

So we took off to germany for a weekend of metal. After a long drive that included some traffic jams we finally got there. It was a festival on the side of a hill in a green area, it was magnificent. We hung around talked the usual talk that slightly tipsy guys at a festival talk about. And we just had a blast, I got to see Nightwish there during their last year with the original singer, kind of a novelty memory even if I’m not really into that sort of music anymore. That and destruction, gravedigger, children of bodom, it was a killer line up!

Regardless, as the day passed we got more drunk and rowdy. I remember me and one of the guys taking a leak on boxes of merchandise, stealing keggs of beer, chasing skirts,…you name it. We deserved to be kicked out, but they didn’t.

I remember walking around on that festival with one thing on my mind, my ex girlfriend. It angered me that she was moving on (and how) while I wasn’t. It made me feel like I lost. Not to her so much even but to myself. In my mind back then you weren’t a man unless you had a girlfriend. And I wanted to prove to the whole world that I had “it”. That so called manlyness you see portrayed in series like knightrider and miami vice…”what do you have against the 80’s?” no no, not that, heck I still match Macguyver occasionally :). No what I mean is that one transition scene they put in every other episode. It kind of goes like this: A rising sun, cut to a house, appartement, or wherever our protagonist was staying. He walks out the door, jawning while buckling his belt…jup, another one nighter, high five for our hero! 

Or that was atleast how I felt, I felt challenged by todays culture to conquer women. And heck, as long as they wouldn’t be faithfull and loyal to me…why would I bother persuing a serious relationship right? There goes something through a young mans mind the time his first “serious” girlfriend leaves him for other men. “You’re not good enough, you’re boring, you’re unwanted, and you’ll die alone”. Now add to that she left him for his best friend and you have a dangerous mixture.

I was determined to go home victorious. So one thing led to another and I hit jackpot pretty fast. I barely knew her name, I was pretty buzzed and we went “for a walk”. Afterwards I was in for a dissapointment as it was a shortlived victory, she abandoned me somewhere in the crowd…I was so naive back then.

I couldn’t find my friends so I decided to go for a walk…and suddenly it hit me. If she made no fuss about “going at it” with me that easely, she probably did with other guys as wel… not only that…what if I had some horrible disease from her? Fear struck me and that wasn’t all… suddenly I noticed near the entrance of the festival…

a gasstation

Now I wasn’t just a little nervous…now I was pretty close to pooping my pants. Because this wasn’t just any gasstation…this was the exact same one as I saw in my dream. The placement and number of the pumps, the colour, the lolipop display on the corner of the first magazine stand on the left…

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think.

Then followed a period of time where I was angry at God. I’d shout at him, “why did you let this happen?”, “heal me you bastard!”,…it was getting to my head so much I was actually convinced I was going to die.

Then one day I decided to just make the confrontation. I bought a pack of cigars, took a walk in the woods, sat on a bench, lit one up and started talking to God. “If you really must kill me and send me to hell, atleast let me make one album that I can leave my mark on this world. Something for people to remember me by”. I don’t even remember what I said about if I would live, but if I did I probably would have made a commitment to him of some sort…maybe I didn’t, I don’t know anymore.

So I took off to get my blood tested and whatnot. In this time I got even more nervous, mind you I was still an angsty teenager, you don’t talk about that stuff with your parents at that age. Atleast I didn’t. They eventually kind of found out half and half but I didn’t give them the full story. My nervous and depressing behaviour gave me away.

Then one day me and my parents were at a mall, it gave me a moment to get my mind out of my depressing darkness. And just as we walked in (I still remember exactly where) I got the phonecall from the doctor.

“Hi, we just got the results back and …it’s all clear. Nothing to worry about”.

I could have jumped through the roof at that moment. But I didn’t because I knew if I did I had to explain that phonecall to my parents. So I tried to conceal my joy, but it was hard to.


We’ll leave it at that for now 🙂

In case you’re wondering, “wow this guy must have feared his parents a lot”. Yes I did in a way, but that was my own doing somehow I developped a twisted view of them, I have the best parents I could ever wish for and they always looked out for me the best they could.They both have worked incredibly hard to raise me and my sister and they’ve put up with a lot of crap from both of us throughout the years.

I’m a gratefull man and I’m glad to say that as I grew up I started sharing a lot more with my parents. Here’s to you Mom and Dad if you ever read this, I love you both.