…looking over my facebook at all the diffirent posts from diffirent worldviews, diffirent disasters going on and beeing exposed, at times it does feel a bit like the last of days doesn’t it? Mother nature giving us a run for our money that we so greedely try to hang on to. Suddenly you get confronted with the fact that your participation in the world of kapitalism is costing lots of freedoms of others, lots of wellbeeing, lots of lives…and lately it’s finally gotten to a point where it’s starting to bother me just enough for me to start expressing it instead of shoving it under the carpet. Not just the things I summarised here, but all of it. The world seems like such a hopeless place lately, as if we’ve been looking forward to the apocalypse but maybe we’re already in it and have been for ages now. When you zoom out planet earth a little bit and look at the population of it…we humans are a horrid little bunch aren’t we?
And at times it’s conflicting with my beliefs as I’ve held them for a while now. Why would a loving God allow this and that? Can’t he just blow the planet up, get us all into heaven and get it over with? And these are questions that most Christians are prepared for with a little bit of scripture mixed with a little bit of deduction aimed in the right direction and voila…and that used to work for me as wel. But I’m starting to run out of those to be honest.
When the bible says “those who the Lord sets free shall be free indeed”…alright then, why do I still struggle with lots of nasty habbits? Guess I’m still a sinner after all? Oh but I guess you can also say our righteousness isn’t completed into his during this life because otherwise it would go to our heads…beeing a christian in and of itself does that to most so I guess that would make sense.
Questions like these are annoying yet interesting, they keep you busy, and it makes for a good intellectual excersise.
But that’s not what I want. I want the real deal. I wanna have a final answer “God are you really, really, really out there, or am I just talking to myself?”. In the beginning when it was all visions and prophecies God would swoop in directly to asure me of His presence. Then a few times it hapened that I would wander off and He’d let me go off on my own for a while (much like a parent would let it’s todler walk a bit in the park while keeping a watchfull eye about 10 meters off). But He would show up again, with signs, dreams, visions, those moments you really know God’s out there…and the question would go away again.
But nowadays it’s new yet again…one day no doubt about it, God lives and is displayed through Jesus Christ who rose again. Then the next day I’m agnostic. Then the next day I’m watching through the eyes of an athiest. The day after that I’m listening to debates between Hitchens and William Lane Craig (and several other people who have similar debates and sermons) and I end up giving consideration to even weirder alternatives…maybe we do come from aliens…but where do they come from?
And yet I still pray daily…even if it’s just me blurting out “JUST TALK TO ME DAMNIT!” I still go to Him.
A close and dear friend of mine says “live your life in front of people”. And that’s what I intend to do, to be an honest testimony of a life lived with God. If theres one thing I can’t stand is this “lets just all walk in the same line of christianity because we don’t wanna look like a disorganised bunch that has a thing called personality” atmosphere you find in most churches…God that pisses me off!
It’s not easy. It’s absolutly not a God of the gaps for me…in fact it seems to only creates more plotholes in some instances. It’s frustrating trying to find your way beeing given this new way to look at life and having the old way so firmly ingrained in you. And what really is the way to be practicall about matters? What is really a sin, and what is just something culture made into a sin just because it was convienient?…Those are the things that keep me busy…and it’s driving me mad at times…
I find myself praying this a lot “God please just give me a place to call home”, be it a church that I can be myself in a bit more, a wife that understands me and is able to love me and be loyal. Some friends that I don’t have to pretend with, if they’re Christians I don’t want to have to pretend to be more christians then I am and visa versa if they’re not.
Well dear reader, whoever you are, I greet you and say thank you for hearing my troubled mind.