Monthly Archives: July 2015

Family worship

Ah good ol sunday mornings. Where the people walk in with their spouses and kids. Trying to keep those little buggers from making too much noise and hassle “just drop em off at kids ministry so those little love bundless are out of our hair for half an hour will you sweety?”.

And wouldn’t you know it, in walks the pastor with his glorious wife everybody gather around her for the latest gossip. Maybe if you suck up enough to her you can get in on a good spot with the pastor himself! *gasp*

Lo and behold there’s the freshly engaged couple. Good grief everybody can’t wait for them to tie the knot so atleast we can take peace in the idea that theres some slam dunking going on over there that everybody approves off.

And then there’s…just the rest really…some leftovers.

But mister angryfish man, how can you be so crude? Don’t you know that everybody has a spot in God’s lurvely churchy wurchy?

I sure can. It’s my damn blogg. And here’s why:

Singles don’t belong in church. Just look at all the books and podcasts that are cathered towards the churchgoing christian. It’s always about Godly sex …INSIDE OF MARRIAGE!!! …like we have to mention it every frigging single time sex is brought up that it’s only for the select group of people that are married.
Not saying that sex is only for married people (and as we all know gay people can’t get married…oh wait) is about as big of a curse as saying the name of the scottish play.

Sure theres some books about keeping your sexual purity (and losing your sanity) before marriage…funny though how most of those are written by…married people.

And God forbid you’d spank your monkey,…that’s for heathens and helldwellers.
Because surely the God off all creation, the originator of everything that was, is and ever will be, is gonna throw a major fit when you try to bust a nut just trying to get some relief from the everyday shitstorm that is life on this planet. Nah, you don’t get to bust a nut or rub some beaver, that’s only for married people.
And married people come from a magical place called churchtopia.

Where young people know how to suppres their urges juuuuust long enough until their parents say it’s go time.
And I bet it makes the sex so much better that everybody in church is standing right outside of the hotel door giving you the thumbs up. Especially the pastor…don’t forget to pay your tithings btw.

Unlike those damned singles. Isn’t it obvious? They’re just not ready for marriage otherwise God would have blessed them with it by now. Can’t you tell how much better the married couples are at beeing married? Like the wife who can’t stay the fuck away from other guys. Or that one husband who likes to belittle his wife constantly? What about that one wife, yeah she’s married to one of the deacons. He’s had it rhough trying to make ends meet yet still pulls it off and despite that she still treats him like shit. Or what about the couple who only after three kids already decided to get so fed up with eachother they just have to force themselves to spend time with eachother one night a week. Come on now, crack a smile at her…there ya go you might get some.

But don’t worry God has a plan for all of you, even you singles. Somewhere in the future there’s a magnificent CHRISTIAN spouse waiting (also like the scottish play, you have to aknowledge that all spouses are christian, keep it in the family so to speak *King solomon-cough*) because christians never grow old single…oh wait they do.

And preachings, good grief do we preach up a storm about how to save your marriage. Those things are all over the damn place. If the preaching didn’t do it for you, theres always a broad selection of marriage councelings and …we want to call it therapy sessions but we’re honestly not qualified to do so, so we call it prayer meetings.

What’s that? Oh you’re single? …and you haven’t been raised christian…AND you refuse to be fully brainwashed by our culture? (as in you haven’t given up your capacity of critical thinking…that’s just evil)
Well we just can’t trust you then. Because God knows we can’t have you raising kids diffirent then ours.

Sure we sing our songs to worship Jesus on sunday morning and every once in a while when pastor mc-faux-hipster face is in a particulary old school mood you might hear a thing or two about the cross. Let alone feeding the poor. But what it all looks like from the outside is just a country club to celebrate families. And if we don’t like you enough because you’re diffirent…well then you’re just not getting in. Unless you’re okay with taking a backseat and feeling that awkward elephant in the room staring at you. That same elephant that asks new couples about when they’re gonna have kids.

How delightfull.

Taking christianity out of Christ.

You’ve heard it a million times before. “they’re trying to take Christ out of Christmass”; “we need the Christ back into Christianity” and many likewise political campaign like sounding qoutes that get too much use from your average evangelical christian.

And usually the Christ they’re reffering too is the one that’s gonna come back someday and blasts everyone a few new holes right before he damns close to everyone to hell.

Now I don’t know about you but I’m personally tired of hearing the next dumbass claim he knows exactly when Jesus is suposidly making his grand comeback tour. Which he tries to prove through all kinds of hoops and backdoors through the book of revelations and then some only to ignore the part where Jesus said “nobody knows but the Father”…you know I’m not a big fan of taking every single thing in the bible too literal but here’s one that pretty much says what it means I think.

So that’s a big part of christianity, people making up dates about Jesus his return.

Take something else people that campaign for church usually tote around like their new girlfriend who’s gonna take of next month. Pseudo history/sience. You’ve all heard that story about the high priests that had to tie a rope around their waist before entering the holy place right? Yeah that thing Jewish historians have never heard off..
Or how about the laminin thing? Yeah that was exciting for a few months until it died out wasn’t it? So apparently some “scientist” found out theres a protein in the human body that has the shape of a cross. This protein serves to keep stuff toghether. And they link that too the bible saying God holds us toghether.
Oh theres also the part where theres a whole bunch of these proteins that have all kinds of shapes and Jesus more likely died on a “T” shape…but they don’t mention that.

This also is a big part of christianity looking for signs and wonders where there aren’t any and acting like they “own” things for the faith when they don’t even know what they’re talking about.

Televangelists, faithhealers, prosperity gospel, …need I say more? Also huge parts of christianity.

Or how about pilling up into little groups, denominations, …sects if you will. And then acting like it’s natural, everyone is welcome and we certainly are on the up and up when it comes to interracting with the outside world…only to slam our spincters shut tighter then a vaultdoor whenever an outsider walks in and asks something like “whats up with the annoying music, do you really think God wants that?”.

Speaking of music…oh dear…you know the part where every cd that you can’t order through the bible store must be from the devil? Because we’ve played every track backwards just to make sure we haven’t missed any messages from Satan promoting the new world order. And now we’re telling you to surrender everything or burn in the lake of fire for ethernity because you listened to poop dog. (buy you a beer if you know where this refference comes from?)

That and alcohol, tattoos, gay people and muslims. They’re worse then democrats you know.

You know what I’m getting at? Personally my not so hidden agenda is that I want to rid christianity off the things most mainstream people associate christianity with. Obnoxious annoying weird people that need to have everything their particular weird and inpractical way because they’re more busy doing their “spiritual” stuff instead of beeing nice to other people. It’s not a sin to act like a humanitarian every once in a while folks!
I’ve had it with the fear mongering propaganda, the waste of time and energy on things that aren’t really there. I’m tired of God beeing turned into a fluffy sheep herder that’s more lovey dovey and fluffy then the sheep themselves while at the same time beeing the most brutal and unreasonable butcher psychopath the horror section of the video store (remember those?) could only dream off! When is it ok for !!!God!!! to be a mystery?
Stop trying to fabricate a culture that has all the answers for things you don’t have any answers for. It’s disgusting, no the cause does not justify the means because you’re calling God a liar or at the verry least you’re proving that you don’t trust him. If you did you wouldn’t have to restort to trying to come up with the next miracle proving yourself right to yourself.

Just admit it you have doubt about your faith sometimes and that’s perfectly ok.
If you could just admit that, think of all the amazing conversations you can have with other people outside of church. Think of how much God is going to bless you because you opened the door of your comfort zone to outsiders and all the riches that come with them.

I promise you that not everyone out there hates you because of your identity in Christ. They don’t, in fact I can honestly say now that a lot of people want to love you. They really do, but it’s up to you to let them in. Because as long as you keep on putting up that wall that says “you’re diffirent so I can’t relate to you” that thing is going to be in the way.
In the end we breathe the same air and we all bleed.

I’ve wasted too many years living without this advice and that’s why I’m so passionate about it. Don’t let another day go by without enjoying God’s creation by embracing all people that live on it. It will do you a world of good and it’ll help God open doors for you you didn’t even dream off.

Stop trying to church over the world. Love it.