Family worship

Ah good ol sunday mornings. Where the people walk in with their spouses and kids. Trying to keep those little buggers from making too much noise and hassle “just drop em off at kids ministry so those little love bundless are out of our hair for half an hour will you sweety?”.

And wouldn’t you know it, in walks the pastor with his glorious wife everybody gather around her for the latest gossip. Maybe if you suck up enough to her you can get in on a good spot with the pastor himself! *gasp*

Lo and behold there’s the freshly engaged couple. Good grief everybody can’t wait for them to tie the knot so atleast we can take peace in the idea that theres some slam dunking going on over there that everybody approves off.

And then there’s…just the rest really…some leftovers.

But mister angryfish man, how can you be so crude? Don’t you know that everybody has a spot in God’s lurvely churchy wurchy?

I sure can. It’s my damn blogg. And here’s why:

Singles don’t belong in church. Just look at all the books and podcasts that are cathered towards the churchgoing christian. It’s always about Godly sex …INSIDE OF MARRIAGE!!! …like we have to mention it every frigging single time sex is brought up that it’s only for the select group of people that are married.
Not saying that sex is only for married people (and as we all know gay people can’t get married…oh wait) is about as big of a curse as saying the name of the scottish play.

Sure theres some books about keeping your sexual purity (and losing your sanity) before marriage…funny though how most of those are written by…married people.

And God forbid you’d spank your monkey,…that’s for heathens and helldwellers.
Because surely the God off all creation, the originator of everything that was, is and ever will be, is gonna throw a major fit when you try to bust a nut just trying to get some relief from the everyday shitstorm that is life on this planet. Nah, you don’t get to bust a nut or rub some beaver, that’s only for married people.
And married people come from a magical place called churchtopia.

Where young people know how to suppres their urges juuuuust long enough until their parents say it’s go time.
And I bet it makes the sex so much better that everybody in church is standing right outside of the hotel door giving you the thumbs up. Especially the pastor…don’t forget to pay your tithings btw.

Unlike those damned singles. Isn’t it obvious? They’re just not ready for marriage otherwise God would have blessed them with it by now. Can’t you tell how much better the married couples are at beeing married? Like the wife who can’t stay the fuck away from other guys. Or that one husband who likes to belittle his wife constantly? What about that one wife, yeah she’s married to one of the deacons. He’s had it rhough trying to make ends meet yet still pulls it off and despite that she still treats him like shit. Or what about the couple who only after three kids already decided to get so fed up with eachother they just have to force themselves to spend time with eachother one night a week. Come on now, crack a smile at her…there ya go you might get some.

But don’t worry God has a plan for all of you, even you singles. Somewhere in the future there’s a magnificent CHRISTIAN spouse waiting (also like the scottish play, you have to aknowledge that all spouses are christian, keep it in the family so to speak *King solomon-cough*) because christians never grow old single…oh wait they do.

And preachings, good grief do we preach up a storm about how to save your marriage. Those things are all over the damn place. If the preaching didn’t do it for you, theres always a broad selection of marriage councelings and …we want to call it therapy sessions but we’re honestly not qualified to do so, so we call it prayer meetings.

What’s that? Oh you’re single? …and you haven’t been raised christian…AND you refuse to be fully brainwashed by our culture? (as in you haven’t given up your capacity of critical thinking…that’s just evil)
Well we just can’t trust you then. Because God knows we can’t have you raising kids diffirent then ours.

Sure we sing our songs to worship Jesus on sunday morning and every once in a while when pastor mc-faux-hipster face is in a particulary old school mood you might hear a thing or two about the cross. Let alone feeding the poor. But what it all looks like from the outside is just a country club to celebrate families. And if we don’t like you enough because you’re diffirent…well then you’re just not getting in. Unless you’re okay with taking a backseat and feeling that awkward elephant in the room staring at you. That same elephant that asks new couples about when they’re gonna have kids.

How delightfull.

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