Exsistentialism

No I haven’t started reading the great works by the great philosophers of old. Maybe I should at some point.

But I’m writing this right now here because I need to talk to someone and I have no one that seems appropriate right now…other then you, the tiny little audience traffic this blog gets.

I may be faulting as a christian, I’ve given up going to “church”, I’ve given up on conventional doctrines and dogma’s. I’ve turned my back on feeling guilty over what the church seems to want me to feel guilty about, while saying that I shouldn’t…such a weird thing. I could go full agnostic and to be honest it does play around in my head at times, but there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want to go there quite yet, if ever.

I’ve given up trying to earn God’s favor, and sure in Christianity we always say you can’t earn God’s favor, but really feeling like you don’t have to is something entirely different from just putting words in the right order.

It’s been my mantra for a long time now and lately it’s becoming a reality.

“All I have is grace” …because if the “Die and fry” supposition that Christianity holds that there is an afterlife in which we’ll either face everlasting torment or orgasmic joy based on our standing to the one true God is true. Then I either have his grace and I’m good, or I don’t and I’m seriously screwed.

And I have to be brutally honest, it plays huge parts in my mind on a daily basis. After leaving the church my life has improved substantially, I feel like life has a reason to be lived again. We can still fix the pieces and build a dream come true after all. In fact it might even end up tasting sweeter then it ever would have only because of what we’ve been through and what we’ve learned from it.

But letting go of indoctrination is hard. It’s stressful, it feels dangerous. Dating a girl outside of church feels like playing with fire. Yet it’s the only fire that will even speak to me.

I used to live in a church location for a while…but it never was home, it was a grave being digged for everything that was made me me. And you’ve heard it so many times that home is where the heart is. By God does that sappy saying have so much more meaning to me now.

Finally I can write music again, and actually feel good about it.

Despite all that there are times where I still struggle with that deep question. God?
A question that you can’t even fit into a few words, it’s this outreaching that goes beyond human speech. ..

“Are you out there? Do you hear me? Are you real? Am I real? Do you love me? Am I yours? Will I be on your good side? Do you approve of me?…” The never ending list of requests and questions the human heart asks over and over again like a gaping wound begging to be tended.

And Christianity promises a solution for that, the ultimate solution. As does every other religion out there…whether or not they really work is a totally different story.

The only peace I have lately, is letting go. Admitting I don’t know anything and believing this kind of humility is the best answer. Have you looked at people holding signs lately? It’s a pretty depressing sight…

Maybe we need to turn this wound around and use it’s energy into a driving force to keep us going?

At any rate, here’s a little something I’ve come up with, it may mean very little or be absolutely flawed. If so do point it out in the comments section.

“I think therefor I am” (we all know that one) => “I am therefor it is”

Is my being proof of the “higher” being? Or is my being the reason for the higher being? (and did it create it?)

Voila, my childish attempt at some lightweight philosophy, I’m sure I’m late by only a 1000-2000 years but hey better late then never right?

Now go ahead and point out what books I do need to read if I ever wanna be taken serious.

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