And here we are again, me writing about my existential (and other sorts of) crisis and you the barely existing audience functioning as a therapeutic outlet for me.
So where are we at now?
For a while there I was getting comfortable in my life’s routine. Things were even looking up, found a few ways out of the purgatory of mediocrity.
Oh but we all know that couldn’t last, no the final lap to victory never goes smooth.
Enter the drama that life bestows upon us so richly at times. When it rains it pours.
First off, my grandparents had been struggling with their health for quite a while now and sadly things aren’t looking too good, we might be speaking of months to even weeks for grandfather. Normally I wouldn’t share this so openly but I’ve managed to keep this blog pretty anonymous so far. The family pulls together and we try to make the best of it. The man is in his 80’s so that’s a lengthy life, but that aside it still lands like a pile of bricks.
How about some more?
For a few years now I made it a habit to every once in a while send a certain woman some funny pictures, just to have fun. First time I met her I tried to make a move on her, but she quickly made it clear that it wasn’t going to fly. So I thought, ok “out of my leageu” lets just be buddies.
After a while though, she did seem to take a little interest. And that sort of grew into something. It ended up with a pretty horrible date that would lead to me questioning life. (lets go find out how that went)
So the nature of our development towards the date was that we’d sometimes exchange more and more spicy messages. Personally I found the picture of a cream sandwich to be pretty clever… but that aside. I wanted to talk to her first, given my past with church and still ongoing faith. I feel those are things you gotta play out in the open upfront. And I was pretty sure she also had some stuff from the past she might want to share. Hey, I don’t just date to get down someone’s pants, I play for realsies yo!
So I explained to her my beliefs and gave her an outline of how deeply my stint with organized religion/the occult had affected me. But she didn’t make anything off it.
Then came the part where I wanted to put my arm around her, like an innocent teenager on his first date I stumbled “is it ok if I do this?” …
Only to answered with a surly and uninterested “Just kiss me already, I know that’s what you’ve been wanting to do the whole time now”. … okay then Popeye, I’ll kiss yer salty lips.
And as the evening developed it did manage to become somewhat romantic in a very clumsy way. Even though I didn’t plan on it going this way at all. And in back of my head there was a few things I thought off “I’ll just deal with it”. God, she talks so loud, it hurts my ears,…I’ll just learn to deal with it.
Good Lord, she doesn’t take my faith talk seriously…I’ll just learn to deal with it.
When we arrived at the bar where everyone knows the both of us she didn’t want to them to see we had something going on. Which I can understand I guess, it’s a first “date” that wasn’t supposed to be one yet…but I digress.
The next day I didn’t hear anything from her aside and apology that it was best not to go through with it. Which really hurt, it’s been a long time now since I had a date and while this one was quite dysfunctional, it was a date…
I really wanted to talk to her to straighten things out and have things back the way they used to be. She didn’t want to talk at all… which by itself shows a clear indication of why we shouldn’t be together in the first place.
At any rate, a date with a sailor gone bad.
So I was in a bit of a rut, everything seemed to be crashing down. And luckily here is where I find enormous gratitude, I have so many friends who support me through this. It’s such a blessing. Each and every one of them. I didn’t really know how wealthy I really am. I sent out a clear message of distress to my close friends that I didn’t want to be alone and so many of them came to my aid.
One of these instances has left a mark on me. At one night I was at that bar (she’s outta town so I’m trying to enjoy that place while I still can) and everything came pouring out, I heard what they heard, and I told them what I saw…all the juicy details. But that wasn’t it.
The conversation developed into “why God? why me? why this?…” the result of many years filled with rejections, non-dates, mishaps, all themed around there’s a God who’s overlooking all of this. A friend of mine who’s agnostic said “But are you sure you are a believer? The way I know you, I always think of you more as an agnostic”.
And that’s where I broke down and uttered the words I had been keeping inside for too long, far too long.
“I hate Him, and I feel like my faith is more of a handicap then anything else. I don’t know what to believe anymore”
So is that it? Is this were angryfishguy just jumps off board the faith train?
With me were two agnostic friends trying to comfort me in this moment of falling apart.
And they didn’t want to subtract my views and beliefs, which I find beautiful. Instead they just tried to walk me through it, giving me advice about women, life,… good golly I cried like a baby.
There’s been other aha moments since then, for everything I need to realize there is a moment. A moment to realize she never was out of my league, that I deserve far better then this, and that it probably will happen. A moment to realize life hadn’t ended, in fact the best is yet to come, soon. A moment to realize it’s not my fault, it never was.
What am I? I’m just me, sometimes I pray, sometimes I don’t believe, sometimes I’m sophisticated, sometimes I’m not, sometimes I’m quite the ladies man, sometimes I’m a little shy, sometimes I think existence of God, sometimes I think existence is Godless…
I don’t know what I am, but in general I’ve always chosen to be good.