Category Archives: crisis

I found my life back

I’ve been meaning to write another post for a while now, and I’d have many exciting ideas to ponder and write about. But not really to extent that I’d actually sit down and start writing. Also because I’ve been insanely busy lately, lots of activity and productivity, I’m glad.

I thought, lets write another one about theological standpoint this or the other. Or lets write about how much I loathe and despair the Christian cultural heritage in light of a greater truth. Just little ideas you play around with in your head but none of them really that breathtaking that I’d have to share them with the world.

However now that I finally have a moment to myself and am somewhat rested I find the time is right to write. And what I want to share about is a particular moment in my day to day routine. When I’m home there’s always the moment where I’m in the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, or make some food. And while that’s heating up I take a moment to lean at the window and reflect on the day. It’s a moment of serenity. Because I’m not at my pc where I feel I have to keep an eye on social media (now there’s an addiction I gotta kick) or anything else for that matter, just the food doing it’s thing.

And for a good while, it would be feelings of dread, boredom, being tired and annoyed.
As if life was over, you had all the chances in the world, got involved with Christianity and now everything is gone. You made your bed of stupid choices now sleep in it.

I’d look outside and sigh under the weight of walking what seemed like a dead end path of mediocrity into my grave.

And I’m glad to say that slowly that veil of darkness has been lifting. Life has been extremely kind to me by giving me companions that walk a very similar path to mine.
Hah, narrow is the path right? It sure was, some things are just too amazing to just give up on the childlike wonder and hope for what mystery there is beyond this life. Having the right people around you makes such a difference, it has kept me from growing bitter.

And those are different people for everyone I guess. For me it’s the people church has rejected. Either knowingly and willingly by choice. Or ignorant yet persistent by not understanding and not being a home unto them.

As the bitterness fades I learn that I’m willing to let go of adversity towards those who have wronged me. It’s in the past and my life must move on. The time has come to let go and pick up where I left off so many years ago. And this has been a process that’s been going on for a year or two now. Healing takes time.

The church downstairs has moved out, and as final symbol of new and better days ahead the place is being stripped down in order for someone else to move in. I hope to everything that is holy and good it’ll be a nice and quit store of some kind.

And my personal hopes and dreams have been given chances again as well. It’s hard work and the road takes many twists and turns, but all of a sudden the goal is clear again.

When I stare out of the kitchen window now, I don’t see the road to my grave so much anymore. I see adventure and hope ahead for things to come.

Life has meaning again.

(I might close this blog since I feel it has served it’s purpose, or maybe I’ll keep it only for it’s sentimental value and for others to learn, I might start a new one…we’ll see)

Advertisements

A snapshot of the journey

 

Sometimes I’m grateful and happy,
Sometimes I’m sad, bitter and regretful

Sometimes I dream, hope and pray
Sometimes I contemplate, bicker and curse

When I pray I speak to “my Lord, my God,…Jesus”
But then other times I express gratitude and worship to life itself, to existence.
That’s when I feel no need to put a face or a name on “it”.

Sometimes I’m hardly grateful at all.
It’s when I give up on the future, dreams and love.

And yet there are also times, where I’m amazed that I still get out of bed with my head held high, convinced that my adventure has only just begun, and the best is yet to come.

I wish I could say I’m mostly the later guy, but to be honest I seem to spend equal amounts of time in both moods. The optimist and the pessimist.

But that’s not all bad, there have been times where I hardly had any optimism at all. In fact that was only a few years ago.

I’m going to turn 31 soon and after a very turbulent and intrusive time in my life I finally have found moments where I feel more at ease with myself and who I am.
Where there is no need to pretend for anyone or anything.

My life was going a steady course. But then slowly the”God”-thing made it’s way into my life. And that it did a lot of damage, something most church Christians give me a funny look for when I bring it up…  Don’t get me wrong, as immensely conflicting and frustrating faith can be at times, I do love God.

My faith was simple and pure. Not very complicated, adventurous,…everything you want in your movie. But then the church got involved…and it all went to hell.
I learned a lot and my world became a whole lot bigger, but there are plenty of times where I honestly can say “I wish it never happened”. And sadly that is where most church goers will never understand me. But I don’t need them to anymore either.

I am part of the demographic Church has failed to cater to, you’ve hurt us by not understanding us. And now we’re all leaving you, the institutionalized religion, behind.
And some of us are angry that you refuse to understand us, instead of admitting you’re like us you keep clinging onto empty traditions and practices, because they feel safe.
The disenfranchised have gotten the message. You don’t want to play nice with the other kids…

Luckily there is love and life after church. It took a lot of contemplating, spending time with my feelings, going over all the things that had happened. I have found a certain peace with the idea that, I don’t need to belong there. As much as the “church” wants you to believe that.

It took friends, friends that are people I genuinely want to spend time with rather then Mister “Youthpastor-Mc-go-getter”…God I can’t stand those kind of people.

It took my real parents, it took my real sister, it took my agnostic friends, my atheist friends, my satanist friends, my fellow believers who also have been pushed out of church.

It took all of them to heal bits and pieces of my heart.

It’s true, sometimes it’s hard, and I feel like giving up.
But then again, there’s also plenty of moments where I feel like I’m going to be just fine.
If you’re lucky enough like me, you might find a certain poetry in your life that makes thing bearable. And that gives you just enough hope to be a dreamer.

 

 

Aftersale nightmares from the divine

“Your call is verry important to us, please hold”

“All our staff are currently occupied, please hold”

And it goes on and on like that, phonecalls that get dropped. People that finally do get someone on the line might get treated snarky, or have to settle for some feel good answer without really getting a solution for their problem. Please hold, …please hold. Those that do get a solution might find that it’s only a temporary fix that only ties them over for a little while. Meanwhile it’s beeing advertised everywhere that customers get miraculous aftersales and customer service.

And the company hasn’t got a clue why business isn’t doing that well. They just can’t seem to figure it out. There’s plenty of complaints going around and the individual establishments of the franchise have mixed responses ready. Some try to take them to heart and make an honest investment from their own local budget in order to do what they can. But there’s others who just collapse under the negativity and give up. And who can blame them? The guidance from above seems diffirent for every other individual store, like every establishement is dealing with a diffirent ceo entirely.

There’s even rumours of some getting ridiculous budgets that they spend on frivolous and vain advertising without really doing anything for the customers.

And the customers themselves they either give up or have to weed through the forests of diffirent franchises and establishements until they possibly find a good one that fits them and is nearby. And then it’s only a matter of time and endurance to see how long they’ll be tolerated once real problems arise.

“Your prayer is verry important to us, please hold”

“All our blessings are currently occupied, please hold”

And that’s how I feel about God lately sometimes. The head of a company that suposidly has the best product out there. Eternal life… and it comes with amazing benefits. They suposidly would help you get your life on track and have the right things show up on the right time. A job, a spouse, great health benefits, financial aid,…everything you can think off should be covered. Or atleast that’s what they, the church, sometimes advertise.

And the truth is most of the aftersales go nowhere. Prayers don’t get heard, get brushed off with some feelgood “oh but God loves you” answers. The gospel is beeing preached everywhere but nobody really seems to know what it is anymore because everywhere you go it’s diffirent. And ofcourse every single branch of the company claims their’s is the real product that has been blessed directly from God himself…then why don’t the other ones get the same one? And why do the results all seem the same?

If God were the head of a company and the company would be church(advertising) and the reality of answered prayers (customer service/aftersales) I imagine it would be a nightmare. It would be a miracle by itself that this company would even exist. There is no authority from above because the churches just don’t seem to listen or want to walk in line. And customers just give up in droves because they get tired of waiting.

Waiting for healing, waiting for a spouse, waiting for their needs to be met with something other then a one size fits all feelgood answer.

Has God taken a long vacation? Or has He given up? Maybe he decided only to help customers that have a positive attitude in a move highlight the succes stories and try to save budget on lost causes.

I don’t know anymore… lately I’m trying to revise my faith from all angles because it just doesn’t add up anymore. Trying to drop the westernised tendencies from the christian faith is really difficult beeing born and raised european. And I can’t find real closure about the idea that God is all powerfull, all knowing and all capable. Yet sometimes it seems like he just leaves people to their own devices or lets them be struck by bad luck over and over again just because…

That can’t be the reality of a loving God. But I also have no peace with the idea of a God who is just absent. He created existence for us and just sort off took off a while aggo.

Yes you can call it a crisis of faith, or maybe it’s a formative time. It just doesn’t add up sometimes…

And before anyone tells me “God’s dead get over it”. That’s really blunt and somewhat disrespectfull of what I’m going through. And eventhough I fully understand there’s plenty of christians who try to do the same to non believers by trying to prove them right over others. That’s not an answer you should force on anyone going through this. Just like nobody should try to force faith on anyone else. I’ve had that happen to me… I’ve learned now to never try that on anyone else. Existentialism is something that should be approached verry carefully and with the utmost respect for the individuals expierience.

Anyway try to be nice out there to eachother, life itself can be painfull enough sometimes without people making it a living hell for eachother.

Angryfish

(disclaimer: don’t get me wrong, there are some things in my life now that are SO good, it makes me say “there must be a God”. There are other things I’m still waiting for as I keep trying…and it makes me bitter.)