Category Archives: theology

I found my life back

I’ve been meaning to write another post for a while now, and I’d have many exciting ideas to ponder and write about. But not really to extent that I’d actually sit down and start writing. Also because I’ve been insanely busy lately, lots of activity and productivity, I’m glad.

I thought, lets write another one about theological standpoint this or the other. Or lets write about how much I loathe and despair the Christian cultural heritage in light of a greater truth. Just little ideas you play around with in your head but none of them really that breathtaking that I’d have to share them with the world.

However now that I finally have a moment to myself and am somewhat rested I find the time is right to write. And what I want to share about is a particular moment in my day to day routine. When I’m home there’s always the moment where I’m in the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, or make some food. And while that’s heating up I take a moment to lean at the window and reflect on the day. It’s a moment of serenity. Because I’m not at my pc where I feel I have to keep an eye on social media (now there’s an addiction I gotta kick) or anything else for that matter, just the food doing it’s thing.

And for a good while, it would be feelings of dread, boredom, being tired and annoyed.
As if life was over, you had all the chances in the world, got involved with Christianity and now everything is gone. You made your bed of stupid choices now sleep in it.

I’d look outside and sigh under the weight of walking what seemed like a dead end path of mediocrity into my grave.

And I’m glad to say that slowly that veil of darkness has been lifting. Life has been extremely kind to me by giving me companions that walk a very similar path to mine.
Hah, narrow is the path right? It sure was, some things are just too amazing to just give up on the childlike wonder and hope for what mystery there is beyond this life. Having the right people around you makes such a difference, it has kept me from growing bitter.

And those are different people for everyone I guess. For me it’s the people church has rejected. Either knowingly and willingly by choice. Or ignorant yet persistent by not understanding and not being a home unto them.

As the bitterness fades I learn that I’m willing to let go of adversity towards those who have wronged me. It’s in the past and my life must move on. The time has come to let go and pick up where I left off so many years ago. And this has been a process that’s been going on for a year or two now. Healing takes time.

The church downstairs has moved out, and as final symbol of new and better days ahead the place is being stripped down in order for someone else to move in. I hope to everything that is holy and good it’ll be a nice and quit store of some kind.

And my personal hopes and dreams have been given chances again as well. It’s hard work and the road takes many twists and turns, but all of a sudden the goal is clear again.

When I stare out of the kitchen window now, I don’t see the road to my grave so much anymore. I see adventure and hope ahead for things to come.

Life has meaning again.

(I might close this blog since I feel it has served it’s purpose, or maybe I’ll keep it only for it’s sentimental value and for others to learn, I might start a new one…we’ll see)

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…then why doesn’t it work?

 

“Give your life to Jesus and you’ll never be alone again”

Or any other variation of that exact pitch. The promise that God in your life is going to make all the difference. The promise that he has the perfect spouse for you, the perfect goal or job in life or even health and wealth if you play your cards right.

The idea that making a spiritual alliance with the creator of all existence will somehow solve your deepest inner dilemma’s once and for all. Always with the disclaimer that it won’t be easy all the time.

And that’s only the starter kit. After that we have plenty of groups and programs to help you on your way to finding whatever it is you’re looking for. Prayer meetings, soaking sessions, seminars on the gifts of the holy spirit, preaching¬† and teachings on whatever we can construct out of the bible, and if that doesn’t work we’ll build on top of what was already built on top of that. Weekends where one church visits another one so you can all mingle. Weekends where we’ll tell you to be guilt free while at the same time telling you what a horrible sinful abomination of a creature you are.
And have you heard of our special one on one spiritual/therapy hybrid sessions?

Also, if you stick long enough with us you can even aspire to become part of our team.
You’ll fly like an eagle distributing pamphlets, praying for people, operating lights and sound, being on stage giving a pre-made preaching or even, yes you guessed it, doing the dishes and cleaning the toilet for the glory of God himself no less.

It doesn’t matter what you want to do in life we’ll try to make it work…just as long as you try to become like us.

And whatever you do, always say Jesus is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Did I say Jesus? I meant to say our church.

What more can we do to sell our Lord and savior, I mean Church, I mean product to you today?

*applause*
What a sales pitch huh? All of this buzz and activity around this cute and innocent idea they’re trying to sell. And surely it must work because these people are highly motivated.

Lets get back to the title. Then why doesn’t it work?
Why is it that after years and years of this crap I’m right now in a place in life where I’m putting the pieces back together again after leaving the aforementioned circus behind? Why is it that I am seriously considering getting some professional therapy to help me through the damage that’s been done by this sort of malarkey?
Why?

And please don’t tell me I didn’t try hard enough. Just don’t.
You can’t promise a God and a church that will take care of everything eventually and then shove it all in my shoes, that’s not fair by any stretch of the imagination.
That sounds more like a cheap scam.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not knocking theism of any kind. We’re all entitled to experience the contemplative journey that lies behind that door if we so desire to and I feel we have a right to pilot that one ourselves as well in a healthy way.
But organized religion is just a scam, it’s just another way people found to exploit one of life’s wonderful innocent things and turn it into yet another gaping wound.

It’s the market place where a certain Nazarene once got quite angry.

Those other apostates over there

Apostacy

A word that gets thrown around christian denominations and sects every now and then usually as an insult to point out how others beeing diffirent is wrong and even blasphemous.

And mostly it’ll come from conservatives, charismatics, Kjv only reading, evangelicals, …you get the idea. The kind of christian that believes God is around every corner, not only ready and able, but also about to part a sea and make literall mountains move to display the ginourmousness of his genitals.

Wether or not God is or has that kind of traits to his or it’s personality aside, it comes with a certain attitude. The kind of attitude that says, I’ve chosen to be on God’s side, or God has chosen me to be on his side (armenianism vs calvinism) therefor everything in life is about me. As long as I keep exalting God, He might see fit to increase me at some point, just as long as I keep denying myself over and over again enough, maybe some day…

That’s the kind of paranoid mess of a people we’re talking about here. And yes I can get away with it because I used to be one myself…so don’t call me a jerk, you jerk :p

It’s usually those that find some kind of mental gymnastic to discount other types of christians over the most minute details. Even to the point of shouting apostacy over something as superfluos as beeing post or pre trib (as someone who leans more toward preterism I have to laugh at both of these :p).

And I could easely say “see? they don’t believe it the right way so they’re not saved, they’re just invested in something dead” but I tend to not do that. Because I’ve learned, come to realise, been thaught, allowed myself to learn, whatever you want to call it, a certain degree of subjectivism. (yes I watch heart of the matter eagerly)

And yet… theres this thought lingering in me lately.

When you go through the expierience of beeing invested in the charismatic with all of it’s weird beliefs and practices, theres two things going on in your mind.

One side wants to see how deep the rabbit hole goes, every question that rises up becomes just another trap or riddle from the devil trying to put you of course from your divine quest with God.
The further you digg the more you find desperation, paranoia, …but there will always be enough christians around you to motivate and encourage you to keep going the direction you are assuring you that’s just how it’s suposed to be.

The other side constantly wonders, what am I doing with my life? Is this new introduced element of beliefs really worth giving up everything you’re giving up? And what ridiculous beliefs they are, are we really going to hold onto these? This side starts noticing that church has either young people that are awkward and just as confused as you are or old people that are bitter and just have given up. God has defeated them so they just go allong with the flow of the church institution taking contentment with the few good things they have been allowed by the community. Because when push comes to shove if they don’t want you to smoke and drink, by golly you’ll give it up or get pushed out of the door but there will be tension until either one happends.

Now as far as I know people usually end up on either side of these two and tend to stay there for the majority of their lives. And it doesn’t even have to be the diffirence between beeing a theist or an atheist. That’s not the diffirence I’m talking about because as far as I’ve contemplated and learned this stuff I know now that this can get as diverse and unique as your individuality. Well an obvious follow up to this would be ofcourse, it’s a part of your individuality.

But I do make this verry crude and basic distinction, people that are okay with the church institution, it’s aspirations and demands and those that can’t find peace with it. Not that I’m any form of authority on the matter mind you. And to be clear I do mean church the institution and system. Not the body of believers or so called bride of Christ. The first one beeing a verry tangible idea in our reality, I’d venture to say it’s a practical matter but having lived among one I can say it’s anything but practical. The second one beeing more of a theological idea, more filosofical in nature I guess.

Now back to apostacy, I do notice this tendency that pro organised church people throw the apostacy card around a lot more towards the other camp than visa versa. In other words you’ll far quicker hear that old grumpy conservative christian say “that hippie can not be saved even if he says he loves Jesus” compared to that verry hippie who probably has a more laid back attitude toward other lifestyles and worldviews.

But today the hippie bites back. Yes I’m in a bit of a flower power mood myself lately.

Of all the charismatic practices, be it speaking in tongues, excesive prayer meetings, jerking around uncontrollably on the ground, prophecy, “healing” , driving out demons,…and so on and so on. It kind of hit me that the people who hold fast onto these things, including me back when I hold onto these forms of faith, have a layer of them,…that might in fact be apostate about it.

Take this basic example, the wheelchair patient that shows up at a charismatic gathering.
Now all the young and excited people there would love nothing more then for that guy to get healed and start walking and jumping around again. As do I still! Anybody would love that to happen regardless of their worldview or faith. But we all have to admit, it rarely happends. In fact I’m pretty sure most of the stories you hear about these instances are made up. And the instances where it did actually happen are extreeeemely far and in between. I think of the storie where a soldier in a wheelchair during war got out of his chair to run away from an imminent explosion. His mind was that strongly set on getting out of there it actually managed to activate his leggs. Amazing, but also believable.

Now the other stories about where some faith healer did his magic prayer or whatever, I take those with a moved-mountain sized lump of salt.

People who stand behind faith healing however, they tend to believe more stories then they discount in this area. And sadly it takes it’s toll after the years. It creates this blind faith that becomes mind over matter after a while. Or a flat out refusal to accept reality when it’s staring them in the face.

Just like the refusal that speaking in tongues might just be a bunch of noise. Refuting the idea that not everything needs a prayer meeting in front of it. The idea that, most prophecies are just flat out cold readings…

And verry far in the back of their head is this little voice that says “listen, all this stuff might be unnecessary. Which for them immediatly gets labeled and hammered back as the voice of satan because they’ve have that hammered in so hard. But I wonder though, that deep down, they know it’s the voice of reason …or might even call it the voice of God in some way…but they refuse it because they’re afraid of it. Or on one side they don’t actually believe most of the stuff they tell themselves that they do…they’re afraid of admitting it too themselves because they’re in too deep.

And that might be by itself a form of apostacy.

Bam!

Now that said, I don’t discount their basic beliefs in God and Jesus and whatnot, but there is something to be said about the more detailed matters.

This is angryfishguy singing out saying
Act natural, you have no idea how super it can be!