Tag Archives: death

I found my life back

I’ve been meaning to write another post for a while now, and I’d have many exciting ideas to ponder and write about. But not really to extent that I’d actually sit down and start writing. Also because I’ve been insanely busy lately, lots of activity and productivity, I’m glad.

I thought, lets write another one about theological standpoint this or the other. Or lets write about how much I loathe and despair the Christian cultural heritage in light of a greater truth. Just little ideas you play around with in your head but none of them really that breathtaking that I’d have to share them with the world.

However now that I finally have a moment to myself and am somewhat rested I find the time is right to write. And what I want to share about is a particular moment in my day to day routine. When I’m home there’s always the moment where I’m in the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, or make some food. And while that’s heating up I take a moment to lean at the window and reflect on the day. It’s a moment of serenity. Because I’m not at my pc where I feel I have to keep an eye on social media (now there’s an addiction I gotta kick) or anything else for that matter, just the food doing it’s thing.

And for a good while, it would be feelings of dread, boredom, being tired and annoyed.
As if life was over, you had all the chances in the world, got involved with Christianity and now everything is gone. You made your bed of stupid choices now sleep in it.

I’d look outside and sigh under the weight of walking what seemed like a dead end path of mediocrity into my grave.

And I’m glad to say that slowly that veil of darkness has been lifting. Life has been extremely kind to me by giving me companions that walk a very similar path to mine.
Hah, narrow is the path right? It sure was, some things are just too amazing to just give up on the childlike wonder and hope for what mystery there is beyond this life. Having the right people around you makes such a difference, it has kept me from growing bitter.

And those are different people for everyone I guess. For me it’s the people church has rejected. Either knowingly and willingly by choice. Or ignorant yet persistent by not understanding and not being a home unto them.

As the bitterness fades I learn that I’m willing to let go of adversity towards those who have wronged me. It’s in the past and my life must move on. The time has come to let go and pick up where I left off so many years ago. And this has been a process that’s been going on for a year or two now. Healing takes time.

The church downstairs has moved out, and as final symbol of new and better days ahead the place is being stripped down in order for someone else to move in. I hope to everything that is holy and good it’ll be a nice and quit store of some kind.

And my personal hopes and dreams have been given chances again as well. It’s hard work and the road takes many twists and turns, but all of a sudden the goal is clear again.

When I stare out of the kitchen window now, I don’t see the road to my grave so much anymore. I see adventure and hope ahead for things to come.

Life has meaning again.

(I might close this blog since I feel it has served it’s purpose, or maybe I’ll keep it only for it’s sentimental value and for others to learn, I might start a new one…we’ll see)


…then why doesn’t it work?


“Give your life to Jesus and you’ll never be alone again”

Or any other variation of that exact pitch. The promise that God in your life is going to make all the difference. The promise that he has the perfect spouse for you, the perfect goal or job in life or even health and wealth if you play your cards right.

The idea that making a spiritual alliance with the creator of all existence will somehow solve your deepest inner dilemma’s once and for all. Always with the disclaimer that it won’t be easy all the time.

And that’s only the starter kit. After that we have plenty of groups and programs to help you on your way to finding whatever it is you’re looking for. Prayer meetings, soaking sessions, seminars on the gifts of the holy spirit, preaching  and teachings on whatever we can construct out of the bible, and if that doesn’t work we’ll build on top of what was already built on top of that. Weekends where one church visits another one so you can all mingle. Weekends where we’ll tell you to be guilt free while at the same time telling you what a horrible sinful abomination of a creature you are.
And have you heard of our special one on one spiritual/therapy hybrid sessions?

Also, if you stick long enough with us you can even aspire to become part of our team.
You’ll fly like an eagle distributing pamphlets, praying for people, operating lights and sound, being on stage giving a pre-made preaching or even, yes you guessed it, doing the dishes and cleaning the toilet for the glory of God himself no less.

It doesn’t matter what you want to do in life we’ll try to make it work…just as long as you try to become like us.

And whatever you do, always say Jesus is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Did I say Jesus? I meant to say our church.

What more can we do to sell our Lord and savior, I mean Church, I mean product to you today?

What a sales pitch huh? All of this buzz and activity around this cute and innocent idea they’re trying to sell. And surely it must work because these people are highly motivated.

Lets get back to the title. Then why doesn’t it work?
Why is it that after years and years of this crap I’m right now in a place in life where I’m putting the pieces back together again after leaving the aforementioned circus behind? Why is it that I am seriously considering getting some professional therapy to help me through the damage that’s been done by this sort of malarkey?

And please don’t tell me I didn’t try hard enough. Just don’t.
You can’t promise a God and a church that will take care of everything eventually and then shove it all in my shoes, that’s not fair by any stretch of the imagination.
That sounds more like a cheap scam.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not knocking theism of any kind. We’re all entitled to experience the contemplative journey that lies behind that door if we so desire to and I feel we have a right to pilot that one ourselves as well in a healthy way.
But organized religion is just a scam, it’s just another way people found to exploit one of life’s wonderful innocent things and turn it into yet another gaping wound.

It’s the market place where a certain Nazarene once got quite angry.

A snapshot of the journey


Sometimes I’m grateful and happy,
Sometimes I’m sad, bitter and regretful

Sometimes I dream, hope and pray
Sometimes I contemplate, bicker and curse

When I pray I speak to “my Lord, my God,…Jesus”
But then other times I express gratitude and worship to life itself, to existence.
That’s when I feel no need to put a face or a name on “it”.

Sometimes I’m hardly grateful at all.
It’s when I give up on the future, dreams and love.

And yet there are also times, where I’m amazed that I still get out of bed with my head held high, convinced that my adventure has only just begun, and the best is yet to come.

I wish I could say I’m mostly the later guy, but to be honest I seem to spend equal amounts of time in both moods. The optimist and the pessimist.

But that’s not all bad, there have been times where I hardly had any optimism at all. In fact that was only a few years ago.

I’m going to turn 31 soon and after a very turbulent and intrusive time in my life I finally have found moments where I feel more at ease with myself and who I am.
Where there is no need to pretend for anyone or anything.

My life was going a steady course. But then slowly the”God”-thing made it’s way into my life. And that it did a lot of damage, something most church Christians give me a funny look for when I bring it up…  Don’t get me wrong, as immensely conflicting and frustrating faith can be at times, I do love God.

My faith was simple and pure. Not very complicated, adventurous,…everything you want in your movie. But then the church got involved…and it all went to hell.
I learned a lot and my world became a whole lot bigger, but there are plenty of times where I honestly can say “I wish it never happened”. And sadly that is where most church goers will never understand me. But I don’t need them to anymore either.

I am part of the demographic Church has failed to cater to, you’ve hurt us by not understanding us. And now we’re all leaving you, the institutionalized religion, behind.
And some of us are angry that you refuse to understand us, instead of admitting you’re like us you keep clinging onto empty traditions and practices, because they feel safe.
The disenfranchised have gotten the message. You don’t want to play nice with the other kids…

Luckily there is love and life after church. It took a lot of contemplating, spending time with my feelings, going over all the things that had happened. I have found a certain peace with the idea that, I don’t need to belong there. As much as the “church” wants you to believe that.

It took friends, friends that are people I genuinely want to spend time with rather then Mister “Youthpastor-Mc-go-getter”…God I can’t stand those kind of people.

It took my real parents, it took my real sister, it took my agnostic friends, my atheist friends, my satanist friends, my fellow believers who also have been pushed out of church.

It took all of them to heal bits and pieces of my heart.

It’s true, sometimes it’s hard, and I feel like giving up.
But then again, there’s also plenty of moments where I feel like I’m going to be just fine.
If you’re lucky enough like me, you might find a certain poetry in your life that makes thing bearable. And that gives you just enough hope to be a dreamer.



Christian jokes are of the devil…


Hah! Isn’t that cute?! Because at some point everybody asks for a sign from God right? Hilarious!!!

Oh wait, you already know I don’t think this is funny at all. Here’s the idea friends…somewhere out there is someone who is about to break up with someone they’ve been with for a long time, and it will ruin his or her life and plenty of people around it will suffer from it as well, yes maybe there are children involved as well. Maybe there’s someone who just got fired and doesn’t know where to turn…his day to day world just collapsed and the impact is devastating. Somewhere out there is a woman praying next to the bed her husband lies in…in a hospital. The doctors say it might be his final hours. Somewhere out there is a young guy who invested everything in a girl he has been with for a while and he just found out she’s been cheating on him. He feels his heart broken down piece by piece…and already he feels a heart attack coming on. Somewhere out there is a man living on the street addicted to drugs and he knows he went too far…he desperately looks up to the sky and reaches out for the unknown as a last stand of hope. Somewhere out there is someone about to make a huge decision in his career, this decision will either make or break it, the once in a lifetime shot. …Somewhere out there is someone who is at the end of his rope and doesn’t see a way out anymore…the gun is already in his mouth…

And basically what you are saying is “WHAT A JOKE!!!!”. No sure this sign is just a practical tongue in cheek gag done by a lot of Christians…nothing wrong with that. Except that you are ruining the genuine encounter for many people. You are standing in the way of God doing his thing. And to top it off, you make Christianity look like a joke. Which when you look at things like these it might as well be. Just an irrelevant piece of cultural heritage that gets passed on from generation to generation because it’s traditional and the “right” thing to do.

I would much rather have it be something real.

You are supposed to be the people with the answers or at the very least an attitude that is mature enough to admit that you don’t always have them.

Celebrity deaths

Verry sad news. Robbie Williams has been found dead, and it might even look like suicide.

It’s something to stand still with for a moment as the world of hollywood has lost someone with a great personality.

Now I want to take this oportunity to focus on something that’s been on the back of mind for a good while now. It’s not that I want to be unsensitive to people who care about Williams, but now is the time.

It takes me back to the death of Dimebag Darrel. I was at the time a verry big fan, way into Pantera and Damageplan. This was right before dean guitars made it a hype. Heh, I even had a washburn stealth, loved that guitar. And I still am a fan, sometimes nothing beats some good old ‘nterra!

It was the first time something like this had hapened to me, a childhood hero died…and how. I turned on the tv and there it was scrolling across the screen “Rockstar Dimebag Darrel murdered” as the reporter was explaining the situation. I froze. And it took me a while, at school me and some other guitarists talked about it. No cracking jokes, no trying to outguitar ego eachother…this was a moment for silence. And so it went on for a while…it honestly did something to me, I really looked up to the guy. I even named a pet bunny after him.

Until a certain point, as I mentioned before, dean guitars had aqcuired the rights to his new guitar designs and started milking it bigtime. With that came the hordes of fanboys that kept on hyping and bullshitting about every little fact they could find. And something clicked in me. The sudden realisation that this was a person I didn’t know personally. The realistation that, if I were to stand before him in the afterlife or something then and there, he’d probably go like “euhm could you move aside please? I’d rather see my wife!”.

That made me grow out of it and I’ve been sort of a hardass ever since about celebrity deaths.

This takes me to another one from a few years aggo. Micheal Jackson.

Oh my goodness what mass madness there was about it, and to some still is I bet.

I saw people up close in my personal life hurting over it. I just didn’t care. And I still don’t. The guy made fantastic music and…that’s about it. Yes there was also some really freaky stuff in the news about him…but that’s about it. But everybody just made it way bigger then it was suposed to be.

And what did christianity do at the time? A lot of them just jumped on the bandwagon blindly. Some heard he got saved right before he died, some had a visions he was in Hell, some had visions that he was still alive and claimed that must be it, others knew for sure he was a muslim, some actually claimed to have seen him (next to tupac and Elvis I bet) and the wild theories, speculations and just downright embarrasments just kept popping up.

And in all of this, this media orgy of drama mongering over some famous person who died. Nobody seemed to stand still with the fact that, almost nobody really knew this guy.

There’s two things I wanna get at here.

First: keep your emotions and feelings for those who are actually part of your personal life. It’s not natural to have such intense feelings about pieces of media that are suposed to represent people. Don’t get me wrong here, love art, but give it an appropriate place in your heart. Hey if another one of my guitar heros dies soon who knows I might be bummed out too for a while, but lets try. Good ol famely values right?

Second, and this one is for the Christians mostly: Sometimes you just don’t know and you aught to embrace that. You don’t know what was in this persons heart, soul and spirit by just looking at his artistic output. You don’t know if this person is in heaven or hell because “you had the vision”. You don’t know what hapened and is going on because of your half-assed deductive reasoning. Be a respectfull person and just say “I don’t know”. Christians tend to have a bad image in this area, lets try and change that. Beeing humble by admitting that you don’t know, is not a defeat ok? In fact you’ll find it to be quite a charming aspect of your personality that will open doors.

So there now you know how I feel about celebrity deaths and all the crazyness about it.

And I haven’t even posted this for 10 minutes and already it’s there, the smartass Christian remarks “Humour is good, God is better”…I don’t even have words for such ignorant arrogance…

Come and take a swim part 7

It’s been a while again huh, lets get right at it!

(before you read this episode make ABSOLUTLY sure you’ve read episode 6 first)

So we took off to germany for a weekend of metal. After a long drive that included some traffic jams we finally got there. It was a festival on the side of a hill in a green area, it was magnificent. We hung around talked the usual talk that slightly tipsy guys at a festival talk about. And we just had a blast, I got to see Nightwish there during their last year with the original singer, kind of a novelty memory even if I’m not really into that sort of music anymore. That and destruction, gravedigger, children of bodom,..man it was a killer line up!

Regardless, as the day passed we got more drunk and rowdy. I remember me and one of the guys taking a leak on boxes of merchandise, stealing keggs of beer, chasing skirts,…you name it. We deserved to be kicked out, but they didn’t.

I remember walking around on that festival with one thing on my mind, my ex girlfriend. It angered me that she was moving on (and how) while I wasn’t. It made me feel like I lost. Not to her so much even but to myself. In my mind back then you weren’t a man unless you had a girlfriend. And I wanted to prove to the whole world that I had “it”. That so called manlyness you see portrayed in series like knightrider and miami vice…”what do you have against the 80’s?” no no, not that, heck I still match Macguyver occasionally :). No what I mean is that one transition scene they put in every other episode. It kind of goes like this: A rising sun, cut to a house, appartement, or wherever our protagonist was staying. He walks out the door, jawning while buckling his belt…jup, another one nighter, high five for our hero! 

Or that was atleast how I felt, I felt challenged by todays culture to conquer women. And heck, as long as they wouldn’t be faithfull and loyal to me…why would I bother persuing a serious relationship right? There goes something through a young mans mind the time his first “serious” girlfriend leaves him for other men. “You’re not good enough, you’re boring, you’re unwanted, and you’ll die alone”. Now add to that she left him for his best friend and you have a dangerous mixture.

I was determined to go home victorious. So one thing led to another and I hit jackpot pretty fast. I barely knew her name, I was pretty buzzed and we went “for a walk”. Afterwards I was in for a dissapointment as it was a shortlived victory, she abandoned me somewhere in the crowd…I was so naive back then.

I couldn’t find my friends so I decided to go for a walk…and suddenly it hit me. If she made no fuss about “going at it” with me that easely, she probably did with other guys as wel… not only that…what if I had some horrible disease from her? Fear struck me and that wasn’t all… suddenly I noticed near the entrance of the festival…

a gasstation

Now I wasn’t just a little nervous…now I was pretty close to pooping my pants. Because this wasn’t just any gasstation…this was the exact same one as I saw in my dream. The placement and number of the pumps, the colour, the lolipop display on the corner of the first magazine stand on the left…

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think.

Then followed a period of time where I was angry at God. I’d shout at him, “why did you let this happen?”, “heal me you bastard!”,…it was getting to my head so much I was actually convinced I was going to die.

Then one day I decided to just make the confrontation. I bought a pack of cigars, took a walk in the woods, sat on a bench, lit one up and started talking to God. “If you really must kill me and send me to hell, atleast let me make one album that I can leave my mark on this world. Something for people to remember me by”. I don’t even remember what I said about if I would live, but if I did I probably would have made a commitment to him of some sort…maybe I didn’t, I don’t know anymore.

So I took off to get my blood tested and whatnot. In this time I got even more nervous, mind you I was still an angsty teenager, you don’t talk about that stuff with your parents at that age. Atleast I didn’t. They eventually kind of found out half and half but I didn’t give them the full story. My nervous and depressing behaviour gave me away.

Then one day me and my parents were at a mall, it gave me a moment to get my mind out of my depressing darkness. And just as we walked in (I still remember exactly where) I got the phonecall from the doctor.

“Hi, we just got the results back and …it’s all clear. Nothing to worry about”.

I could have jumped through the roof at that moment. But I didn’t because I knew if I did I had to explain that phonecall to my parents. So I tried to conceal my joy, but it was hard to.


We’ll leave it at that for now 🙂

In case you’re wondering, “wow this guy must have feared his parents a lot”. Yes I did in a way, but that was my own doing somehow I developped a twisted view of them, I have the best parents I could ever wish for and they always looked out for me the best they could.They both have worked incredibly hard to raise me and my sister and they’ve put up with a lot of crap from both of us throughout the years.

I’m a gratefull man and I’m glad to say that as I grew up I started sharing a lot more with my parents. Here’s to you Mom and Dad if you ever read this, I love you both.