Tag Archives: faith

I found my life back

I’ve been meaning to write another post for a while now, and I’d have many exciting ideas to ponder and write about. But not really to extent that I’d actually sit down and start writing. Also because I’ve been insanely busy lately, lots of activity and productivity, I’m glad.

I thought, lets write another one about theological standpoint this or the other. Or lets write about how much I loathe and despair the Christian cultural heritage in light of a greater truth. Just little ideas you play around with in your head but none of them really that breathtaking that I’d have to share them with the world.

However now that I finally have a moment to myself and am somewhat rested I find the time is right to write. And what I want to share about is a particular moment in my day to day routine. When I’m home there’s always the moment where I’m in the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, or make some food. And while that’s heating up I take a moment to lean at the window and reflect on the day. It’s a moment of serenity. Because I’m not at my pc where I feel I have to keep an eye on social media (now there’s an addiction I gotta kick) or anything else for that matter, just the food doing it’s thing.

And for a good while, it would be feelings of dread, boredom, being tired and annoyed.
As if life was over, you had all the chances in the world, got involved with Christianity and now everything is gone. You made your bed of stupid choices now sleep in it.

I’d look outside and sigh under the weight of walking what seemed like a dead end path of mediocrity into my grave.

And I’m glad to say that slowly that veil of darkness has been lifting. Life has been extremely kind to me by giving me companions that walk a very similar path to mine.
Hah, narrow is the path right? It sure was, some things are just too amazing to just give up on the childlike wonder and hope for what mystery there is beyond this life. Having the right people around you makes such a difference, it has kept me from growing bitter.

And those are different people for everyone I guess. For me it’s the people church has rejected. Either knowingly and willingly by choice. Or ignorant yet persistent by not understanding and not being a home unto them.

As the bitterness fades I learn that I’m willing to let go of adversity towards those who have wronged me. It’s in the past and my life must move on. The time has come to let go and pick up where I left off so many years ago. And this has been a process that’s been going on for a year or two now. Healing takes time.

The church downstairs has moved out, and as final symbol of new and better days ahead the place is being stripped down in order for someone else to move in. I hope to everything that is holy and good it’ll be a nice and quit store of some kind.

And my personal hopes and dreams have been given chances again as well. It’s hard work and the road takes many twists and turns, but all of a sudden the goal is clear again.

When I stare out of the kitchen window now, I don’t see the road to my grave so much anymore. I see adventure and hope ahead for things to come.

Life has meaning again.

(I might close this blog since I feel it has served it’s purpose, or maybe I’ll keep it only for it’s sentimental value and for others to learn, I might start a new one…we’ll see)

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…then why doesn’t it work?

 

“Give your life to Jesus and you’ll never be alone again”

Or any other variation of that exact pitch. The promise that God in your life is going to make all the difference. The promise that he has the perfect spouse for you, the perfect goal or job in life or even health and wealth if you play your cards right.

The idea that making a spiritual alliance with the creator of all existence will somehow solve your deepest inner dilemma’s once and for all. Always with the disclaimer that it won’t be easy all the time.

And that’s only the starter kit. After that we have plenty of groups and programs to help you on your way to finding whatever it is you’re looking for. Prayer meetings, soaking sessions, seminars on the gifts of the holy spirit, preaching  and teachings on whatever we can construct out of the bible, and if that doesn’t work we’ll build on top of what was already built on top of that. Weekends where one church visits another one so you can all mingle. Weekends where we’ll tell you to be guilt free while at the same time telling you what a horrible sinful abomination of a creature you are.
And have you heard of our special one on one spiritual/therapy hybrid sessions?

Also, if you stick long enough with us you can even aspire to become part of our team.
You’ll fly like an eagle distributing pamphlets, praying for people, operating lights and sound, being on stage giving a pre-made preaching or even, yes you guessed it, doing the dishes and cleaning the toilet for the glory of God himself no less.

It doesn’t matter what you want to do in life we’ll try to make it work…just as long as you try to become like us.

And whatever you do, always say Jesus is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Did I say Jesus? I meant to say our church.

What more can we do to sell our Lord and savior, I mean Church, I mean product to you today?

*applause*
What a sales pitch huh? All of this buzz and activity around this cute and innocent idea they’re trying to sell. And surely it must work because these people are highly motivated.

Lets get back to the title. Then why doesn’t it work?
Why is it that after years and years of this crap I’m right now in a place in life where I’m putting the pieces back together again after leaving the aforementioned circus behind? Why is it that I am seriously considering getting some professional therapy to help me through the damage that’s been done by this sort of malarkey?
Why?

And please don’t tell me I didn’t try hard enough. Just don’t.
You can’t promise a God and a church that will take care of everything eventually and then shove it all in my shoes, that’s not fair by any stretch of the imagination.
That sounds more like a cheap scam.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not knocking theism of any kind. We’re all entitled to experience the contemplative journey that lies behind that door if we so desire to and I feel we have a right to pilot that one ourselves as well in a healthy way.
But organized religion is just a scam, it’s just another way people found to exploit one of life’s wonderful innocent things and turn it into yet another gaping wound.

It’s the market place where a certain Nazarene once got quite angry.

A snapshot of the journey

 

Sometimes I’m grateful and happy,
Sometimes I’m sad, bitter and regretful

Sometimes I dream, hope and pray
Sometimes I contemplate, bicker and curse

When I pray I speak to “my Lord, my God,…Jesus”
But then other times I express gratitude and worship to life itself, to existence.
That’s when I feel no need to put a face or a name on “it”.

Sometimes I’m hardly grateful at all.
It’s when I give up on the future, dreams and love.

And yet there are also times, where I’m amazed that I still get out of bed with my head held high, convinced that my adventure has only just begun, and the best is yet to come.

I wish I could say I’m mostly the later guy, but to be honest I seem to spend equal amounts of time in both moods. The optimist and the pessimist.

But that’s not all bad, there have been times where I hardly had any optimism at all. In fact that was only a few years ago.

I’m going to turn 31 soon and after a very turbulent and intrusive time in my life I finally have found moments where I feel more at ease with myself and who I am.
Where there is no need to pretend for anyone or anything.

My life was going a steady course. But then slowly the”God”-thing made it’s way into my life. And that it did a lot of damage, something most church Christians give me a funny look for when I bring it up…  Don’t get me wrong, as immensely conflicting and frustrating faith can be at times, I do love God.

My faith was simple and pure. Not very complicated, adventurous,…everything you want in your movie. But then the church got involved…and it all went to hell.
I learned a lot and my world became a whole lot bigger, but there are plenty of times where I honestly can say “I wish it never happened”. And sadly that is where most church goers will never understand me. But I don’t need them to anymore either.

I am part of the demographic Church has failed to cater to, you’ve hurt us by not understanding us. And now we’re all leaving you, the institutionalized religion, behind.
And some of us are angry that you refuse to understand us, instead of admitting you’re like us you keep clinging onto empty traditions and practices, because they feel safe.
The disenfranchised have gotten the message. You don’t want to play nice with the other kids…

Luckily there is love and life after church. It took a lot of contemplating, spending time with my feelings, going over all the things that had happened. I have found a certain peace with the idea that, I don’t need to belong there. As much as the “church” wants you to believe that.

It took friends, friends that are people I genuinely want to spend time with rather then Mister “Youthpastor-Mc-go-getter”…God I can’t stand those kind of people.

It took my real parents, it took my real sister, it took my agnostic friends, my atheist friends, my satanist friends, my fellow believers who also have been pushed out of church.

It took all of them to heal bits and pieces of my heart.

It’s true, sometimes it’s hard, and I feel like giving up.
But then again, there’s also plenty of moments where I feel like I’m going to be just fine.
If you’re lucky enough like me, you might find a certain poetry in your life that makes thing bearable. And that gives you just enough hope to be a dreamer.

 

 

This is not a prayer

Have you ever noticed how some Christians post their prayers on social media and completely ignore Matthew 6:5-6? But lets not be hypocrites here, every believer no matter what kind ignores plenty of scripture, because lets face it, living by the book 100% is just impossible.

No, what irks me more about that is the idea that somehow by posting their prayers “to God” in public they want to achieve… what?

Lets rephrase and deconstruct that a bit shall we? The interaction with God, the prayer, is being interacted with other people. So either it’s a prayer to God or it’s a message to people.

Because ask any “christian” or even people from other faith’s and you’ll notice that nearly all of them will confirm that prayer is to be done unto God, not other people. Well, there’s always that weirdo sitting in front of church of course…

Then why is it that Christians do this? Why do you so often see some “defender of the faith” taking on the internet trying to win an argument by obnoxiously stating their beliefs and finishing that of with a nice big fat “AMEN”?

It’s not like their statements get more validity that way right?

No it’s not that either, there is something about posting a “prayer” that is cringe worthy and  a bit hypocritical. And it’ll usually come from the same people who post those flowery and quaint pictures with scripture on it along  the lines of “a prayer a day keeps the devil away”…(for the theists among you: that’s not how that works btw)

The interaction of posting a prayer is more likely to be a false way to either:

1: “Win” an argument with a non argument

2: Gain approval and favor from fellow believers

3: Tell people what you think is right

4: Get attention

5: Christian slacktivism

6: Showboating (self-)righteousness

I’ve noticed this at prayer meetings as wel (that was back when I used to attend those gatherings of awkwardness). Some poor girl praying her heart out telling God she was so grateful for her parents accepting her for who she is. While she was sitting right next to them. And sure that might be a little ironic it’s also absolutely beautiful, humanity showing one of it’s more humane sides.

But in a way I do feel bad for her, she was raised in a way that this was the norm. Why do we have people who feel so locked in their beliefs that they can’t just flat out say what’s on their hearts? Why did the christian culture evolve into something where prayer has become a vessel for our communications to other people when according to “our beliefs” it’s supposed to be an interaction with God exclusively?

So tell people what you want to tell them, and do it directly. Trust me if you start doing that, you might even cut down the church gossip in half.
Pray to your God, and do so privately. You’ll be less confronted with people knowing too much about you, or even taking advantage of such information.

If I may even may raise the challenge a bit higher, do it like you mean it.
Say what’s on your heart even if it’s less holy.
Don’t pretend with your God, after all, he’s supposed to know every nook and cranny of who you are.

And for the love of keeping your souls hinders out of the eternal frying pan, keep your prayers of the internet.

The silence of the sheep

Our little church fellowship was quick to adapt to the latest internet trends and implement them for their own use. That’s how we ended up with our own little private facebook group.

And the fact that it was private was great for a while, you could ask for prayer or similar things of a more personal nature that you didn’t feel comfortable sharing outside of your own church community.

That’s also how I approached church. I shared everything like it was family, some people were even surprised sometimes. Someone told me once she was impressed with how I openly shared that I had my heart broken by a girl back then (to give an example). And as much as I appreciated her positive noticing. I couldn’t help but also feel a slight disappointment.

Why was this noteworthy? Why wasn’t this commonly practiced to really share your feelings among another? It’s supposed to be a family right? But she was right, this wasn’t an everyday practice. In fact it would happen more often that I would open up about something deep during “smallgroup” like gatherings and it would lead nowhere or awkward silences. Oh don’t worry I always kept things appropriate. It’s that they just didn’t know how to deal with real conversations. Look if you’re going to encourage your church members to open up about personal feelings and experiences, don’t be surprised and stand by helplessly when they actually do come to the surface.

It’s embarrassing and hurtfull to the person opening up and it makes you look like a  jackass. It’s the equivalent to saying “fall backwards, I’ll catch you, just trust me” and then just letting the guy drop on his ass. (Yeah I’m a theist who uses semi-salty words, what about it?)

Which brings me to another instance. I once posted on before mentioned private facebook group an article about things that athiests and christians can find common ground in, and how we can improve living alongside one another.

In fact here it is=>
http://www.cracked.com/article_15663_10-things-christians-atheists-can-and-must-agree-on.html

It’s a long read and I don’t expect you to read all of it, it kind of boils down to this=> regardless of what your views and/or beliefs are, don’t take them too serious and cut others some slack.

I’d say that’s a healthy approach to things and one that everyone should be able to find some common ground in right? If all of humanity collectively unlenched a bit once in a while about their “way”. Maybe we’d end up with less decapitations and bombings.

But apparently this is against the agenda of the average christian church pastor. Apparently posting articles like these causes you to be called aside to receive a stern talking too. He found it necessary to point out that spreading ideas like these might be bad and confusing to the newcomers.

What newcomers? And what’s confusing? Suddenly when someone visited your church they’re automatically considered to be a convert? And those so called newcomers can not be subjected to ideas that aren’t yours? What are you going to do, lock them up until they learned to interpret existence and everything in it your way?

*cough*CULT*cough*

To close:
In all seriousness, if you find in ANY way shape or form that the church you attend shows any sign of oppressiveness towards ideas that are humane, loving towards others, and open minded, leave that place. If you are like me, a searcher of truth and honesty you will be dissapointed and disillusioned sooner or later with that place so you might as wel save yourself a lot of heartache and get going. Sadly there are more power hungry pastors out there then you’d like to know. Also, if you find that some church gatherings are awkward and leave a lot to be desired, don’t go and be honest about it. And don’t let anyone shame you or talk you into going, that is a shame on them, not you. God never wants you to go to any of these meetings if they don’t feel natural to you. God never needs you to share your personal feelings, thoughts or history with anybody from “church” in order for Him to work with it. Don’t be too trusting of “churchleaders”, they have to earn your trust just like anybody else. And they can also lose it like anybody else.

God bless you on your journey through life, I hope you’ll be safe and spared from situations like these.

 

Exsistentialism

No I haven’t started reading the great works by the great philosophers of old. Maybe I should at some point.

But I’m writing this right now here because I need to talk to someone and I have no one that seems appropriate right now…other then you, the tiny little audience traffic this blog gets.

I may be faulting as a christian, I’ve given up going to “church”, I’ve given up on conventional doctrines and dogma’s. I’ve turned my back on feeling guilty over what the church seems to want me to feel guilty about, while saying that I shouldn’t…such a weird thing. I could go full agnostic and to be honest it does play around in my head at times, but there’s also a part of me that doesn’t want to go there quite yet, if ever.

I’ve given up trying to earn God’s favor, and sure in Christianity we always say you can’t earn God’s favor, but really feeling like you don’t have to is something entirely different from just putting words in the right order.

It’s been my mantra for a long time now and lately it’s becoming a reality.

“All I have is grace” …because if the “Die and fry” supposition that Christianity holds that there is an afterlife in which we’ll either face everlasting torment or orgasmic joy based on our standing to the one true God is true. Then I either have his grace and I’m good, or I don’t and I’m seriously screwed.

And I have to be brutally honest, it plays huge parts in my mind on a daily basis. After leaving the church my life has improved substantially, I feel like life has a reason to be lived again. We can still fix the pieces and build a dream come true after all. In fact it might even end up tasting sweeter then it ever would have only because of what we’ve been through and what we’ve learned from it.

But letting go of indoctrination is hard. It’s stressful, it feels dangerous. Dating a girl outside of church feels like playing with fire. Yet it’s the only fire that will even speak to me.

I used to live in a church location for a while…but it never was home, it was a grave being digged for everything that was made me me. And you’ve heard it so many times that home is where the heart is. By God does that sappy saying have so much more meaning to me now.

Finally I can write music again, and actually feel good about it.

Despite all that there are times where I still struggle with that deep question. God?
A question that you can’t even fit into a few words, it’s this outreaching that goes beyond human speech. ..

“Are you out there? Do you hear me? Are you real? Am I real? Do you love me? Am I yours? Will I be on your good side? Do you approve of me?…” The never ending list of requests and questions the human heart asks over and over again like a gaping wound begging to be tended.

And Christianity promises a solution for that, the ultimate solution. As does every other religion out there…whether or not they really work is a totally different story.

The only peace I have lately, is letting go. Admitting I don’t know anything and believing this kind of humility is the best answer. Have you looked at people holding signs lately? It’s a pretty depressing sight…

Maybe we need to turn this wound around and use it’s energy into a driving force to keep us going?

At any rate, here’s a little something I’ve come up with, it may mean very little or be absolutely flawed. If so do point it out in the comments section.

“I think therefor I am” (we all know that one) => “I am therefor it is”

Is my being proof of the “higher” being? Or is my being the reason for the higher being? (and did it create it?)

Voila, my childish attempt at some lightweight philosophy, I’m sure I’m late by only a 1000-2000 years but hey better late then never right?

Now go ahead and point out what books I do need to read if I ever wanna be taken serious.

Those other apostates over there

Apostacy

A word that gets thrown around christian denominations and sects every now and then usually as an insult to point out how others beeing diffirent is wrong and even blasphemous.

And mostly it’ll come from conservatives, charismatics, Kjv only reading, evangelicals, …you get the idea. The kind of christian that believes God is around every corner, not only ready and able, but also about to part a sea and make literall mountains move to display the ginourmousness of his genitals.

Wether or not God is or has that kind of traits to his or it’s personality aside, it comes with a certain attitude. The kind of attitude that says, I’ve chosen to be on God’s side, or God has chosen me to be on his side (armenianism vs calvinism) therefor everything in life is about me. As long as I keep exalting God, He might see fit to increase me at some point, just as long as I keep denying myself over and over again enough, maybe some day…

That’s the kind of paranoid mess of a people we’re talking about here. And yes I can get away with it because I used to be one myself…so don’t call me a jerk, you jerk :p

It’s usually those that find some kind of mental gymnastic to discount other types of christians over the most minute details. Even to the point of shouting apostacy over something as superfluos as beeing post or pre trib (as someone who leans more toward preterism I have to laugh at both of these :p).

And I could easely say “see? they don’t believe it the right way so they’re not saved, they’re just invested in something dead” but I tend to not do that. Because I’ve learned, come to realise, been thaught, allowed myself to learn, whatever you want to call it, a certain degree of subjectivism. (yes I watch heart of the matter eagerly)

And yet… theres this thought lingering in me lately.

When you go through the expierience of beeing invested in the charismatic with all of it’s weird beliefs and practices, theres two things going on in your mind.

One side wants to see how deep the rabbit hole goes, every question that rises up becomes just another trap or riddle from the devil trying to put you of course from your divine quest with God.
The further you digg the more you find desperation, paranoia, …but there will always be enough christians around you to motivate and encourage you to keep going the direction you are assuring you that’s just how it’s suposed to be.

The other side constantly wonders, what am I doing with my life? Is this new introduced element of beliefs really worth giving up everything you’re giving up? And what ridiculous beliefs they are, are we really going to hold onto these? This side starts noticing that church has either young people that are awkward and just as confused as you are or old people that are bitter and just have given up. God has defeated them so they just go allong with the flow of the church institution taking contentment with the few good things they have been allowed by the community. Because when push comes to shove if they don’t want you to smoke and drink, by golly you’ll give it up or get pushed out of the door but there will be tension until either one happends.

Now as far as I know people usually end up on either side of these two and tend to stay there for the majority of their lives. And it doesn’t even have to be the diffirence between beeing a theist or an atheist. That’s not the diffirence I’m talking about because as far as I’ve contemplated and learned this stuff I know now that this can get as diverse and unique as your individuality. Well an obvious follow up to this would be ofcourse, it’s a part of your individuality.

But I do make this verry crude and basic distinction, people that are okay with the church institution, it’s aspirations and demands and those that can’t find peace with it. Not that I’m any form of authority on the matter mind you. And to be clear I do mean church the institution and system. Not the body of believers or so called bride of Christ. The first one beeing a verry tangible idea in our reality, I’d venture to say it’s a practical matter but having lived among one I can say it’s anything but practical. The second one beeing more of a theological idea, more filosofical in nature I guess.

Now back to apostacy, I do notice this tendency that pro organised church people throw the apostacy card around a lot more towards the other camp than visa versa. In other words you’ll far quicker hear that old grumpy conservative christian say “that hippie can not be saved even if he says he loves Jesus” compared to that verry hippie who probably has a more laid back attitude toward other lifestyles and worldviews.

But today the hippie bites back. Yes I’m in a bit of a flower power mood myself lately.

Of all the charismatic practices, be it speaking in tongues, excesive prayer meetings, jerking around uncontrollably on the ground, prophecy, “healing” , driving out demons,…and so on and so on. It kind of hit me that the people who hold fast onto these things, including me back when I hold onto these forms of faith, have a layer of them,…that might in fact be apostate about it.

Take this basic example, the wheelchair patient that shows up at a charismatic gathering.
Now all the young and excited people there would love nothing more then for that guy to get healed and start walking and jumping around again. As do I still! Anybody would love that to happen regardless of their worldview or faith. But we all have to admit, it rarely happends. In fact I’m pretty sure most of the stories you hear about these instances are made up. And the instances where it did actually happen are extreeeemely far and in between. I think of the storie where a soldier in a wheelchair during war got out of his chair to run away from an imminent explosion. His mind was that strongly set on getting out of there it actually managed to activate his leggs. Amazing, but also believable.

Now the other stories about where some faith healer did his magic prayer or whatever, I take those with a moved-mountain sized lump of salt.

People who stand behind faith healing however, they tend to believe more stories then they discount in this area. And sadly it takes it’s toll after the years. It creates this blind faith that becomes mind over matter after a while. Or a flat out refusal to accept reality when it’s staring them in the face.

Just like the refusal that speaking in tongues might just be a bunch of noise. Refuting the idea that not everything needs a prayer meeting in front of it. The idea that, most prophecies are just flat out cold readings…

And verry far in the back of their head is this little voice that says “listen, all this stuff might be unnecessary. Which for them immediatly gets labeled and hammered back as the voice of satan because they’ve have that hammered in so hard. But I wonder though, that deep down, they know it’s the voice of reason …or might even call it the voice of God in some way…but they refuse it because they’re afraid of it. Or on one side they don’t actually believe most of the stuff they tell themselves that they do…they’re afraid of admitting it too themselves because they’re in too deep.

And that might be by itself a form of apostacy.

Bam!

Now that said, I don’t discount their basic beliefs in God and Jesus and whatnot, but there is something to be said about the more detailed matters.

This is angryfishguy singing out saying
Act natural, you have no idea how super it can be!