Tag Archives: growing up

A snapshot of the journey


Sometimes I’m grateful and happy,
Sometimes I’m sad, bitter and regretful

Sometimes I dream, hope and pray
Sometimes I contemplate, bicker and curse

When I pray I speak to “my Lord, my God,…Jesus”
But then other times I express gratitude and worship to life itself, to existence.
That’s when I feel no need to put a face or a name on “it”.

Sometimes I’m hardly grateful at all.
It’s when I give up on the future, dreams and love.

And yet there are also times, where I’m amazed that I still get out of bed with my head held high, convinced that my adventure has only just begun, and the best is yet to come.

I wish I could say I’m mostly the later guy, but to be honest I seem to spend equal amounts of time in both moods. The optimist and the pessimist.

But that’s not all bad, there have been times where I hardly had any optimism at all. In fact that was only a few years ago.

I’m going to turn 31 soon and after a very turbulent and intrusive time in my life I finally have found moments where I feel more at ease with myself and who I am.
Where there is no need to pretend for anyone or anything.

My life was going a steady course. But then slowly the”God”-thing made it’s way into my life. And that it did a lot of damage, something most church Christians give me a funny look for when I bring it up…  Don’t get me wrong, as immensely conflicting and frustrating faith can be at times, I do love God.

My faith was simple and pure. Not very complicated, adventurous,…everything you want in your movie. But then the church got involved…and it all went to hell.
I learned a lot and my world became a whole lot bigger, but there are plenty of times where I honestly can say “I wish it never happened”. And sadly that is where most church goers will never understand me. But I don’t need them to anymore either.

I am part of the demographic Church has failed to cater to, you’ve hurt us by not understanding us. And now we’re all leaving you, the institutionalized religion, behind.
And some of us are angry that you refuse to understand us, instead of admitting you’re like us you keep clinging onto empty traditions and practices, because they feel safe.
The disenfranchised have gotten the message. You don’t want to play nice with the other kids…

Luckily there is love and life after church. It took a lot of contemplating, spending time with my feelings, going over all the things that had happened. I have found a certain peace with the idea that, I don’t need to belong there. As much as the “church” wants you to believe that.

It took friends, friends that are people I genuinely want to spend time with rather then Mister “Youthpastor-Mc-go-getter”…God I can’t stand those kind of people.

It took my real parents, it took my real sister, it took my agnostic friends, my atheist friends, my satanist friends, my fellow believers who also have been pushed out of church.

It took all of them to heal bits and pieces of my heart.

It’s true, sometimes it’s hard, and I feel like giving up.
But then again, there’s also plenty of moments where I feel like I’m going to be just fine.
If you’re lucky enough like me, you might find a certain poetry in your life that makes thing bearable. And that gives you just enough hope to be a dreamer.




Come and take a swim part 5

Come and take a swim part 5

Hello dear everybody who I am gratefull to for reading my blog again!

So last time we took a  look at a heavy part of my life, that first girlfriend where things got “serious” with and then went horribly wrong. I must admit that after writing that I felt drained, because it brought up a lot of memories. But at the same time it feels fantastic having gone over that time period of my life again it gave me an opportunity to forgive and to put things in perspective. In fact I don’t resent her anymore, I’ve found gratitude for the expierience with both it’s up and downsides. As strange as it may sound I have positive feelings towards her now. I may never meet her again, in fact that would be awkward propably, but I have certain peace inside now. Thank you for beeing part of that, by just reading 🙂

So lets take a look at what followed after that. A while after things went south I decided to leave my whole clique behind. I’d sit alone somewhere in the hallways of school sulking in my bitterness (teenagers…how dramatic!).

Not long after that, I shook hands with a guy from “that other band at school that is way more metal”. He was also kind of a reject from his clique, or what exactly the case was I don’t know, he was out. And he also played guitar, we instantly started a band by getting drunk, turning the gain up and jamming out. Some really killer agressive riffs came from that, and we really had something going there. You know how every guitarist goes through that phase of listening to all the classics like Metallica, Pantera, Megadeth, Sepultura and so on and so on? Well yeah we were right smack dab in the middle of that mixed with some frustrations. And we felt ready to take on the world. Things got moving fast too, a bassplayer tacked on, a drummer, and a singer. And boy did my attitude change with it, I remember acting like a jerk from time to time just to fit in. However after I don’t know how long things fell appart again. I was dropped because I asked the guys one day “are we really as good as we think we are?”. Nobody likes a spoilsport, I get that, but I was sincere about it. I wanted to take this band all the way so it was time to evaluate ourselves for the next stage.

This was around my second to last year at that school I think, I was about to graduate. I felt again, betrayed. But not as much as the first time, we sort of kept in touch half and half and it wasn’t really clear if things were gonna carry on or not.
During summer my parents sent me to a jazzcamp. I fell in love…with music. Suddenly I was challenged to play clean and something other then powerchords? A whole new spectrum opened up for me there. I met such interesting people as wel. That week threw my life into a whole diffirent direction.

After that I met up with my friends from that metal band again and it was noticeable, we sort of grew appart. So I moved on again (seems to be a theme in my life doens’t it?).

Last schoolyear, here things got shaken up a bit. Just when I though life had pushed me in a corner to be alone most of the time I end up in class with a guy I used hang with right before my musical journey had started. We both loved tabletop gaming (warhammer and the likes) and all kinds of sience fiction stuff. We parted ways over something really trivial back then but here life put us toghether again. It was physical Ed and he was my teammate against everyone else “So here we are again huh, let me help you out here”. I didn’t know it at the time, but that was music to my ears. He wasn’t verry popular in our class, but I did count him as a friend. And he has stood by me in several occasions.

Then there was the ex drummer from my first band, who just started dating my ex girlfriend. Yeah, I said some things to him I shouldn’t have during those days 😦

That year came and went as everybody started making plans for life after highschool. I was busy with my music next to graduating. In fact I didn’t even go to the prom party, I was at a metalfest.
My parents decided that, if I was going to play guitar I might as wel take it serious and go for an education. And after looking around some, I ended up at some kind of Jazz school.

And that’s a story for another time.

I know this one’s short, a little chaotic and kinda boring, but it’ll get interesting soon enough 🙂

Come and take a swim part 2

Hello again

Last time we ended at my earliest church memories, or rather my earliest memories of hearing the gospel. A major event in my life that I would only realise it to be that many, many years later. Throughout the years growing up my respect for this character called Jesus never really went away completely eventhough I had nothing to do with church. Sure I’d forget about him for long periods of time, not even a question on my mind why excistence is. And yes there also have been moments where I was pretty blasphemous. Good golly, especially when I was a teenager (don’t most of them do that?). But then there were also brief moments where I’d state my case for Him…totally out of the blue not even knowing why. These were really interesting moments looking back now.

As a teenager I was a considered a Goth kid. However I was more of a fantasy roleplaying game nerd dressed in a long raincoat and combat boots, and this was even way before Goth was a “thing”. Some people knew the word, but for some reason they thought it was a diffirent word for hippies…sure why not. Oh there was also this one=> I was suposidly the leader of a cult according to some guy…ah kids can be harsh…and stupid.

Anyway getting back to making a case for Jesus. At some point between the many jabs and taunts people would throw at me this one arose: “You look like Jesus in a bathrobe”. Because of the long hair and raincoat, hah good one. Somehow I didn’t know any better then to respond “why thank you, it’s an honour to be compared to Him, because it’s Jesus and of all people none is higher then him” or something allong those lines. She was a bit dumbfounded by this. Thinking back, so am I,…how in the world did I come up with a response like that?

Or this one, at some point during class one of our teachers said sort of mocking “Hah, you kids these days, none of you are Godfearing” (wel actually she said “Godvruchtig” which means able to bear the fruits of God). Somehow I felt like making a case out of this, so I spoke up loud and clear.

“I am”

She: “I don’t believe you”

me: “I know I am”.

End of argument. The class was awkwardly silent after that…

And this one (as I write it all comes back to me) we had finals and everybody was stressing their hinders off, trying to come up with creative responses to the teachers their challenges. One of the tasks was to paint love. Yeah that’s vague huh, that’s art school for ya.

Somehow, I felt the urge to paint Jesus on the cross, and so I did. Even under protest from the teacher, she thought it was sappy. But I was determined, I was gonna paint Jesus with light around Him and for some reason a flag that said “blues”.

Now I can wear these memories with some pride but I’d be lying if I left out my less glorious artschool endeavours. Like at some point I had the “brilliant” idea to paint Jesus surrounded by some strippers and prostitutes doing their jobs around the cross…it wasn’t my intention to depict Jesus as the Lord who loves everybody regardless of their background, it was to mock him. Luckely a teacher stopped me from doing that. If any of you reading this thinks of this as sensorchip of the arts or the expressions of a young man. I can asure you that I’m glad the teacher did. You know how sometimes years later you whish you could take something back you said to someone? Wel yes, that exactly.

So these are just some of my funny memories growing up and walking a fine line between a rebel and a minister of the gospel (without even beeing aware of it). This story is far from done. We’ll get to the ranting later, I’ll post my rants as they come in between.

Wel mah little fishies, that’s it for today. As I said last time, small bites, I don’t wanna overfeed (bore) you guys to death.

Have a gud one!