Tag Archives: pain

I found my life back

I’ve been meaning to write another post for a while now, and I’d have many exciting ideas to ponder and write about. But not really to extent that I’d actually sit down and start writing. Also because I’ve been insanely busy lately, lots of activity and productivity, I’m glad.

I thought, lets write another one about theological standpoint this or the other. Or lets write about how much I loathe and despair the Christian cultural heritage in light of a greater truth. Just little ideas you play around with in your head but none of them really that breathtaking that I’d have to share them with the world.

However now that I finally have a moment to myself and am somewhat rested I find the time is right to write. And what I want to share about is a particular moment in my day to day routine. When I’m home there’s always the moment where I’m in the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, or make some food. And while that’s heating up I take a moment to lean at the window and reflect on the day. It’s a moment of serenity. Because I’m not at my pc where I feel I have to keep an eye on social media (now there’s an addiction I gotta kick) or anything else for that matter, just the food doing it’s thing.

And for a good while, it would be feelings of dread, boredom, being tired and annoyed.
As if life was over, you had all the chances in the world, got involved with Christianity and now everything is gone. You made your bed of stupid choices now sleep in it.

I’d look outside and sigh under the weight of walking what seemed like a dead end path of mediocrity into my grave.

And I’m glad to say that slowly that veil of darkness has been lifting. Life has been extremely kind to me by giving me companions that walk a very similar path to mine.
Hah, narrow is the path right? It sure was, some things are just too amazing to just give up on the childlike wonder and hope for what mystery there is beyond this life. Having the right people around you makes such a difference, it has kept me from growing bitter.

And those are different people for everyone I guess. For me it’s the people church has rejected. Either knowingly and willingly by choice. Or ignorant yet persistent by not understanding and not being a home unto them.

As the bitterness fades I learn that I’m willing to let go of adversity towards those who have wronged me. It’s in the past and my life must move on. The time has come to let go and pick up where I left off so many years ago. And this has been a process that’s been going on for a year or two now. Healing takes time.

The church downstairs has moved out, and as final symbol of new and better days ahead the place is being stripped down in order for someone else to move in. I hope to everything that is holy and good it’ll be a nice and quit store of some kind.

And my personal hopes and dreams have been given chances again as well. It’s hard work and the road takes many twists and turns, but all of a sudden the goal is clear again.

When I stare out of the kitchen window now, I don’t see the road to my grave so much anymore. I see adventure and hope ahead for things to come.

Life has meaning again.

(I might close this blog since I feel it has served it’s purpose, or maybe I’ll keep it only for it’s sentimental value and for others to learn, I might start a new one…we’ll see)

A snapshot of the journey

 

Sometimes I’m grateful and happy,
Sometimes I’m sad, bitter and regretful

Sometimes I dream, hope and pray
Sometimes I contemplate, bicker and curse

When I pray I speak to “my Lord, my God,…Jesus”
But then other times I express gratitude and worship to life itself, to existence.
That’s when I feel no need to put a face or a name on “it”.

Sometimes I’m hardly grateful at all.
It’s when I give up on the future, dreams and love.

And yet there are also times, where I’m amazed that I still get out of bed with my head held high, convinced that my adventure has only just begun, and the best is yet to come.

I wish I could say I’m mostly the later guy, but to be honest I seem to spend equal amounts of time in both moods. The optimist and the pessimist.

But that’s not all bad, there have been times where I hardly had any optimism at all. In fact that was only a few years ago.

I’m going to turn 31 soon and after a very turbulent and intrusive time in my life I finally have found moments where I feel more at ease with myself and who I am.
Where there is no need to pretend for anyone or anything.

My life was going a steady course. But then slowly the”God”-thing made it’s way into my life. And that it did a lot of damage, something most church Christians give me a funny look for when I bring it up…  Don’t get me wrong, as immensely conflicting and frustrating faith can be at times, I do love God.

My faith was simple and pure. Not very complicated, adventurous,…everything you want in your movie. But then the church got involved…and it all went to hell.
I learned a lot and my world became a whole lot bigger, but there are plenty of times where I honestly can say “I wish it never happened”. And sadly that is where most church goers will never understand me. But I don’t need them to anymore either.

I am part of the demographic Church has failed to cater to, you’ve hurt us by not understanding us. And now we’re all leaving you, the institutionalized religion, behind.
And some of us are angry that you refuse to understand us, instead of admitting you’re like us you keep clinging onto empty traditions and practices, because they feel safe.
The disenfranchised have gotten the message. You don’t want to play nice with the other kids…

Luckily there is love and life after church. It took a lot of contemplating, spending time with my feelings, going over all the things that had happened. I have found a certain peace with the idea that, I don’t need to belong there. As much as the “church” wants you to believe that.

It took friends, friends that are people I genuinely want to spend time with rather then Mister “Youthpastor-Mc-go-getter”…God I can’t stand those kind of people.

It took my real parents, it took my real sister, it took my agnostic friends, my atheist friends, my satanist friends, my fellow believers who also have been pushed out of church.

It took all of them to heal bits and pieces of my heart.

It’s true, sometimes it’s hard, and I feel like giving up.
But then again, there’s also plenty of moments where I feel like I’m going to be just fine.
If you’re lucky enough like me, you might find a certain poetry in your life that makes thing bearable. And that gives you just enough hope to be a dreamer.

 

 

Fix the pieces

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Here we are again, with broken pieces of our heart, holding up the bleeding remnants of a heart to the sky.

Trying to confront God with what has hapened, as if he didn’t know or cared.

But he does, he sees it all, the tears running down your face, the blood getting absorbed by your clothes.

He knows how you feel…

 

My blog seems to be one either about confronting western christian culture with it’s shortcomings…as if I’m any better. Or other times touching on those really personal things that affect all of us at some point.

Yes here we are again, with a broken heart, taking the emotions to God as best as I can. Trying to surrender, trying to understand, trying to fight…but it’s futile, those pesky feelings catch up at some point and I have to get through them. And theres no one I’d rather have me walk through them but God himself, if He’s all able He might as wel show up in times like these. Friends and family will stand by you as best as they can, and it does miracles,…but it only goes that far.

I’ve been in this place plenty of times by now and it only makes me desperate for more of God. I hurt for myself,…but on top of that, I hurt for all those children of God who are as broken and misguided as I was and still am. We flee in our sins and in the process of running away from God we hurt others around us…while we are suposed to be as one as much as Jeshua and the father are one. It’s a sad state of affairs…but love overcomes all. His love.

I remember a year or two aggo. I met a girl in church, she was visiting from a far away land. We made contact and got to know eachother a little better online. I remember saying to God “if this is the one, this beautifull girl, I’ll be the happiest guy ever”…I didn’t hear from her for a week or so…and as it turned out she met another guy only minutes after we talked. (she just had to mention that little detail only to drive the stake a little deeper…thanks a lot)

I did what I always do when I’m suffering a bad case of heartbrokeness…I go jogging. And ofcourse I had a bitter thing or two to say to God during my jogg…when all of a sudden He wispered back to me…

“This feeling you’re having right now, this feeling you’ve had so many times before each time a girl walks away from you.

That is how I feel each time one of my children walks away from me”

And I felt this strong urge to stand with God, to defend him, to swear allegiance, jup we become brave all of a sudden…eventhough I also am one of those children who just can’t seem to get it right…I only have God’s grace to count on and I know how desperatly I need it.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from the many heartbrakes all the way to this one is that forgiveness is never to be withheld. Even if I am a victim and fully in the right. For situations like these, I call God a harsh master…I really do. But it’s the only master who will have me. It’s the only master who will welcome me back, time and time again as I struggle through life.

So with this post, I pay tribute to a God who endured immense physical and emotional pain…and is gracious enough to help me through my mere bruises.

Here’s to you, Father God.

 

Come and take a swim part 6

Finally!

Yes I have a little spot of time for blogging in the sea that is called an average week.

So last time we looked at my transition from one band to another, loss and gain of friends, graduation and so on…Now we’re going to look at a period of time that has drasticly altered my life’s course. For better and for worse at times.

Jazz school, I just failed one audition to enroll at one school but they refered me to another one. An event I’m verry gratefull for to this day. It was verry hard work for me, because keep in mind at this point I was still nothing more then the average guitar strumming kid who wanted to be the next James Hetfield. I was in for a couple of years of heavy molding as a musician…and I felt it a lot.

This school was an interesting collection of people, there were the typical artsy Jazz guys, the stoner rocker kind of types, the (juck) James Blunt type of people…sorry I just can’t stand that guy, and only a few metal/schred/whatever guys. I was one of them, and not really top of the chart exactly btw. I was really excited for this education, I enjoyed it a lot…it was amazing, eventhough I still had my heart set on metal.

So at some point early on one of the metal guys at school invites me to join them on a trip to germany for a metalfest…one of my childhood hero bands would be playing there,…manowar. Yes I admit it, I was a huuuuge manowar fan…in fact I still listen a few songs every now and then. Think of it what you will… I love their music. So I ordered some tickets, said I was tagging allong. And then IT hapened…

2 days before we took of to the festival I had a dream. No not a Martin Luther King kind of dream, the dream you have sleeping at night kind of dream. The kind of dream that doesn’t feel like one because it’s so real and tangible. The kind of dream that makes you question if you don’t have dreams and reality switched around somehow. The kind of dream where you wake up from and it follows you around for a couple of days…if not longer. That kind of dream. It went something like this…

I found myself at a gasstation next to a highway during the night. I was standing in the little store, you know, candy, sigarettes, drinks, newspapers,…stuff you don’t really need but you buy anway. Walking through the automated glass doors I was met with the typical gasstation surroundings, a few gasspumps under an enourmous starlit midnight sky. Earth felt verry small in comparison indeed.
As I was looking up into the sky all of a sudden it was like the sky ripped open and it made way for an opening, like it was a piece of cloth torn open and parted like a pair of curtains. A gigantic hand reached through towards me. This hand had an even bigger impression on me then the sky did. It was amazing, it consumed my attention. A huge voice filled the place, in fact it filled the whole atmosphere, I’m sure it must have resounded between the stars and beyond. It said “Do you want to be saved?”. Pointing at me and then holding itself stretched out in front of me…like it wanted to invite me.

I didn’t know what to say…what do you say to something like that? I didn’t even know what it was talking about, let alone make a decision right then and there. I just schrugged and said “I don’t know”.

That verry instant I uttered those words, the ground tore open beneat me. A black gaping hole was all I was standing on. I was getting pulled into it. Just like trying to fight gravity…there was nothing I could do. It was a lost fight. The darkness was enclosing around me as I sank further and further into the unknown. I felt immense pain, explosions in my body, electrocution, and sounds so harsh and terrifying you haven’t heard any like them with your living ears.

And just as the ground reached up to my chin and the darkness was clawing at my lips I shouted with a volume I have never been able to produce, nearly as loud as the hand that asked me the question that started this all…  “do not lead me into temptation, but deliver me from evil, amen“.

…I opened my eyes and found myself covered with sweat, I’ve had many vivid dreams before… but this one was something else…I sat on the edge of my bed trying to process what had just played out in front of my eyes for a while.

I had breakfast and told my mom about this dream…she made nothing of it, just a weird dream, like all dreams are…it sounded reasonable…nightmares happen. We started talking about how to organise my trip to germany…

Until next time my friends, stay tuned.

Can you?

Can you?

I think it was about 3  years aggo, I was sitting in church group, about 15 people in a living room. All of them good friends having a good time on a weekly basis. The host invited some friends from another country, verry kind Christian people. We shared stories, prayed for one another, gave prophecies and so on. A verry typical afternoon at a homechurch.
I had been involved in this homechurch for a few years at that point, and it was pretty much the first one I settled down. Life was getting back on track after all the near traumatic madness that is “becoming a christian”.
I was talking to one of the people visiting, and I told him about how frustrated I was beeing single. Everybody around my age seemed to find someone, life just hapened to them. For me everything stood still. My social life had died and as I was still freaking out from all the spiritual encounters, some more genuine then others. And finding a girl just wasn’t hapening. I was set on finding that christian girl of my dreams,…but then what…al the girls I met in christian cirkels were so…churchy…and pardon my choise of words…but also a bit boring. And God forbid I’d date a non Christian, or that was the idea at the time atleast.
The man smiled and told me of a woman he knows. She recieved a prophecy that she would meet her husband in the near future…everybody was excited for this too happen. It took longer then she hoped and in time she went back to her old boyfriend…an alcoholic.
The man telling me this story wanted to make a point, that I should wait. Having an empty bed is not as bad as missing out on God’s promisses. And that is an excellent point btw.
However I said something about her, that I can say about all these people:

The Minister of the gospel who gets caught walking out of a topless bar.

Or that other minister who got caught doing drugs and involved in sex scandals.

The teenager who stops going to church because he’s bored and goes partying.

The church janitor who turns out has a flask on him all the time.

That group of youngsters that uses foul language behind their parents their backs.

That wel reputed Pastor who has a private porn collection he tries to hide.

The many church goers that try to hide their porn collection.

That born again Christian who kept selling drugs for a while.

That young church goer, who liked to get drunk after work for a while, just to deal with the stress.

And the woman who despite having recieved a prophecy about her future husband still settling for that other man.

“Can you blame her?”

The man was slightly suprised I said that and eventhough he said he couldn’t he still was making a strong case that was leaning the other way.

It took a while, but I’m learning that I can’t. I can’t in good concience blame any of these people as much as it would feel right to some of you. In fact I’m even going to try to not complain about any of it either. We all have our wounds that need tending, and for whatever reason that lies beyond our capabilities to understand, sometimes God doesn’t show up where, when and how we want him too. And you can throw any scripture you want at me now…there’s plenty of people that have been prayed over in Jesus name still sitting in wheelchairs. I don’t claim to know why that is…it just is sadly.

We live in a broken world that has been cut of from glory. And we’re all looking for that little something to get us through this life. When I think of a God who humbled himself so he could be one of us…I can’t help but think how much more he must understand our desperate ways.

Dear fellow worshippers of the one God, dear followers of Christ, brothers and sisters.
Lets not fool ourselves and others, because we wouldn’t perform any better wearing these people their shoe’s. We all need Jesus his grace.

(btw most of the people I named are real, ofcourse I left out their names out of respect. Some of them are made up stereotypes, just to mask the real ones even more. I’ll take one mask of partially, some of these people are me)